Everybody has their thing – their something to overcome – their baggage.  It was undeniable through the first 20 years of my adult life that my “thing” was my weight.  And I believed, even before I started losing the weight, that I had overcome it in so many ways – that it hadn’t won.

Physically, it was a debate – clearly I had a problem, but I had not given up.  There were plenty of times of despair and great frustration, but I always imagined the success of losing it and so, I had not lost the physical battle.

Emotionally – wow, did I believe that I had won – big time!  That I had conquered the ways in which my weight could hurt me or hold me back. I believed myself to be the picture of emotional strength and health – a confident, public performer and teacher, connected with my emotional body and the friend/partner that could be leaned on and counted on for good emotional advice.  Equipoise – don’t get me started!  I’ll do a whole ‘nother blog on the concept of equipoise and how I leapt on it as the perfect definition for me.  (Here…I’ll at least give you the definition:  the ability to serenely monitor the movements of one’s own mind and correct for biases and shortcomings.  HINT:  it’s the serenely part that is the real hang-up here!)

In fact, my thing – my weight – had won in a very big way and with masterful disguise.  Hiding behind all this confidence and health like the Wizard of Oz in the cockpit of the space shuttle.  Sophisticated monitors for every thing – how people responded to me and ensuring that I projected all my good traits, instructing every move I made and how it presented my body, tracking every reflective surface…on and on.  I’ve learned there is a term for this – hyper vigilance.

And now, here I am at the end of the physical battle.  I have won definitively, thank you very much!  Isn’t there a podium to stand on and a personal anthem to be sung?  For all that hope, did I ever really think that I would get here?  That I would hear words like “normal weight” or “little?”  That I would sit in every chair with my legs curled around me?  I’m not sure…I’m not sure how confident I was that I would actually be here.

And the emotional battle – well, that has just begun.  I didn’t know there was a battle to be fought and man, did the other side get a surprise round.  Knocked me flat and took the breath right out of me.  But I have gotten to my feet and I’m fighting.  And what my opponent may not realize is that it has trained me very well – I am a fierce fighter.  Stubborn, resourceful and smart. And I’m coming for you.