So we are “4 days and a wake up” as my partner says from surgery.  And there is very much a balance of emotions going on here.

In the big picture, I am very excited.  Yes, I’m a little wary – or maybe just anticipating – of the emotional process that I know will come with this, but I’m so hopeful (and pretty sure) that I can finally meet this time and this change with immense joy and go forward with that underneath any challenge.

In the local picture, I don’t have the right word for it yet – but I don’t think it’s excitement, except that I’m excited that the event is finally here after so long in preparation for it.  I’m intimidated thinking about the care and pain that will be there in the weeks after surgery.  I know that I’ll just go through it and I’m not worried about that, but I’m nervous about it.  Is there a difference…yes, I think there is.

The mortality risk of the surgery is just a one liner for me.  It’s there and you can be sure that I’ll be telling my family and friends that I love them and there will be that moment as I’m wheeled away to the operating room.  But I’m not spending time with that possibility.

I’m trying so hard to get myself into a place where I can embrace this 8 weeks of a different time.  I have a list of things that is all about my normal hodge podge of life elements – my conducting jobs, teaching studios, the small business with my partner, the care of our household, the keeping of connections with my community of friends and family – and I want to do well enough on that list that I don’t have the list of to-dos waiting for me.  Either they get done and can be picked up in August or they don’t get done and that’s okay.

And then I have the things that I do want to be a part of this different time of life.  Writing, relaxing into being less extroverted for awhile, releasing worries about how things and people are doing without me (hmm…that’s a whole blog topic of it’s own).  This is a virtual list at the moment – and I think that’s where it should remain because I don’t want this to become the new “should” list.  I simply want, at the end of this period of time, to be able to feel that I did manage to:

• recover well
• be off the grid and get a sense of refreshment in coming back on
• spend my time differently, including trying my hand at more introspective things (writing and songwriting) that I have professed wanting to do for a long time
• assess or be prepared to assess how I want to spend my time and energy in my professional and personal life.

This last one – I think it’s more about the mentality to be prepared to assess that.  From a more relaxed place and with fresh perspective.  I don’t actually want to spend these 8 weeks in active, analytical assessment.  That’s too close to my norm.

So the “Holy Crap” feeling of entering into the surgery is both physical and emotional and coming so much from just not knowing what it’s going to be like and how it’s all going to play out.  And I think that’s just where it needs to be.  I’m not going to know until I know and there’s no use in borrowing worry about that or trying to plan or predict it.

Right?!!  Right.