It’s hard to know where to start to explain the “demons” that have become apparent to me through this process.  They come in several forms – from little instincts that make me change my behavior to fully-integrated personality traits that started as good things but now really get in the way.  They have been the back-seat drivers of my life and, in some times, I think they outright took the wheel.

Until 6-7 months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to name anything that I would have called a demon.  I  wouldn’t have said that I had “a thing” either – emotional baggage, something to overcome that was holding me back.  I could easily joke about my propensity to be “a little intense” – over-controlling of logistics and details.  My penchant for doing 400% of the work until I couldn’t sustain it anymore.  My lack of delegation skills and pickiness about the small stuff.  Sure, it would cause working dreams and moments of exasperation among my friends, colleague and family.  Stress?  Yes.  Demons?  No.

Demons are way underneath all that.  For example – I carried around  disgust, infuriation and embarrassment about my weight and as those feelings became ingrained (became demons), I shoved forward everything that I wanted the world (and myself) to see instead – a bright, funny, kind, talented, competent, successful woman.  Now, I hope and trust that I am those things.  In fact, I need to say that it was my passionate focus on those things that built so much of who I am and who I want to remain.  It’s the ensuring and shoving and maintaining of those things that creates the problem.  I realize now my demons of disgust, infuriation, embarrassment (and more) – nearly had me convinced that it was how I acted in the world  – how I displayed those good qualities and how I convinced people of them – that were why people responded to me so well.  Being those things could make them overlook my physical body and the ways that I had failed there.  People loved me for the reasons that I made them love me.  And from here, the demons can choose lots of different places to go – that I need people to love me.  That it’s my strength and success that they love and therefore vulnerability and failure become opposite and now we’ve set up absolutes and black/white, good/bad parameters.  And we’ve set up doubt that it’s any other way.  That people could just love me – all of me and even the parts that I’ve locked away.  That Nelson married a woman that he loved – not parts of that woman.

There are many, many blogs that could come from here – and some of them will be written.  But here is the other thing about demons.  They live underneath and they can find many, many ways to stay in the shadows so that they can hang around.  When my demon of disgust was brought into the light in December – it took a big hit just by being seen and named.  And, as I’ve come to face this demon over the past many months, I’d like to think that I can say “thank you” for being a driver of “how I am” and then let it go.  I’m finding, though, that I have to be pretty deliberate and firm about that.  If I keep talking about it or get at ease with that word, “disgust” and use it lightly – that’s a way for that demon to stay around.  As I’ve been looking at my new body – all stitches and bruises – I find I have to bandy with that word.  Is my new body disgusting because it’s now unnatural?  Oh demon…good try!

I think this is a place for some wholesale attitude adjustment – not to shove those feelings down…but to make that demon unwelcome.  This change in my body has been fought for long and hard.  The methods that I used were researched, debated and decided upon with great care and enormous effort – never the easy way out.  The state of my body – with so much excess skin – was already “unnatural” and this surgery gives me the freedom to use and enjoy my body in the way that I have earned.  It is nothing but a positive!   Entertaining this demon of disgust – even arguing with it – keeps it in play.  Clearly, we have identified one antagonist who is not going to leave gracefully.  And it’s time here is done.  No more negotiating.

So if you hear me talk about disgust – feel free to get up in arms with and for me.  Help me turn that cold shoulder and don’t be too nice about it!  And for those of you in my life that are holding up this particular mirror – I am so grateful for you!