See that 3rd picture from the left – the biggest girl with the smile almost lost in all that face? How did that happen?  I *know* that this is the question that every overweight person asks themselves.  Even if they can answer the question, I guarantee that looking in the mirror the words will spill out…”How did this happen?”

And the turning and facing of weight is just riddled with complication – when inspiration meets up with means – the effort can renew again and again.  When a last straw meets bad timing, it doesn’t end up being a last straw.  I am completely convinced that it is a RARE occurrence to find an overweight person who is “just lazy” or who “just doesn’t care.” Oh we care.  We care so much that there are times when the only thing to do is act like we don’t care.  However that plays out – using humor and being the funny girl that is so amazingly comfortable in her skin, embracing the “love yourself as you are” mentality with fervor, reassuring friends and family that you’re working on the next plan, or…simply ignoring it.  Simply refusing – at least for a small moment – not to see.

Of course, I can’t tell you how many of those moments got rudely, cruelly interrupted by an unfortunately placed reflective surface.  You’re just trying to have a day and that stupid store window snags your attention.  And it’s immediate damage control.  Everything from confirming or ignoring what you saw to the lock down of horror…which includes the self-talk of all the things that are going right and all that you hope and plan to do.  This can happen in the space of a second.

The smoke in the mirror is the thought that I kept these moments from impacting me too much.  Of course they impacted me and each one got added to the reference file in my psyche!  Sometimes I would have to swallow a scowl and a descent into a bad mood (sometimes unsuccessfully).  More often, for me, I would respond with something extra positive.  Say something nice to someone, be extra witty or extra patient.  That’s just how “my thing” played out.

I’m trying to decide how much time to spend in the going back and piecing this together – and I think it will end up being a fair amount of time …especially if I choose to write about it.  But, I don’t want to reframe my life in the negative when that’s not how I lived it.  Even with demons underneath – I didn’t know they were there and I lived as fully as I could – planning how I would overcome my weight as often as I could.  I don’t want to re-remember my life as though I’m watching the demons put on a puppet show.  This is tricky, though, because now that I can see them – I can see how influential they were.  The solution for me – is to also see the person that they built…and, again…say “thank you” and good-bye.

I blogged through a couple of significant times during this last phase of the weight loss – just a private blog to express some thoughts.  I’ll pull in a couple sections from that blog now and again and it’s time for the first of those (to follow this post).  The one where I did try to go back and ask how I got to 321lbs and ended up first recognizing how many layers of control freak were there to sort though.  So, the post doesn’t necessarily stay to the pursuit of the question, but it does really dig into the things that would go on in my head…constantly!

And here’s my conclusion about that…like with ANY other situation in life – you don’t know unless it’s you.  You can’t look at anyone you see and have the context for how and where they are.  And our brains can’t help but try to categorize and understand.  I see a fat girl who is jolly, who is unsure.  I see a single woman who is flirtatious or who is bitchy.  I see a macho man or a gentle, androgynous man.  Someone having a bad day, someone being nice and cheery,  someone radiating health and well-being, on and on…

You don’t know…just as they don’t know all that goes on in your head.  But I hope that I’m learning not to assume.  For those I just see – I will try not to assume.  The big girl that walks into the restaurant.  The slow, erratic driver in front of me.  The exasperated hospital admissions clerk.  And for those that are in my life – even closely in my life – I will still try to check my assumptions.  Ask them before I try to “help” them.  Give them space for their own perspective on life – including their perspectives on me.  And open those lines of communication so that they can let me in too.

Because part of “how this happened” was the stacking and winding tight of many little layers of impact and many assumptions.  All of which I thought I had a handle on and it was the true letting in of vulnerability that showed me how my control on the situation had gone very awry – and, in fact, wasn’t good control at all.  Too much control = wound too tight = rigid and unyielding.  More emotionally vulnerable = more loose (and maybe unsure?) = more open and pliable.  Imagine each of these taking a blow – which is more likely to break?  Hmm….lesson to be learned in my book!