It’s become very clear to me that I am currently living as both a 15 and a 41 year old woman at the same time.  I’m not going to say I’ve regressed because I truly believe that I have not yet been through this stage of development – I’m visiting it for the first time in many ways!

I knew when I started this blog that talking about the “Girl in the Mirror” was the right way to put it.  I’m not sure I could have said why, exactly, but folks have asked why I’m saying girl and, I think, concerned that I’m not giving myself credit as a grown woman.  I actually see it as somewhat the opposite.  As I shoved away painful parts of adolescence – namely, my weight and the whole world of attraction and relationship – I seized on growing up quickly in other areas.  I was a rock-solid friend and emotional pillar.  I developed a leadership style, a work ethic, a cultural outlook.  In my 20s, I fell up the career ladder at the University of Maryland.  I taught an honors class in leadership and developed a full set of consulting and facilitation skills.  I looked at the world of opera and made decisions to go in my own direction, lining up with my own way of contributing to the world.  I got a grip on my finances, well, after graduate school!   I paid attention to retirement savings.  I am the worldly friend.  The wise friend.  The one with great advice and, oh, so balanced.  I give myself plenty of credit as a woman.

I have not ever given the 15 year old any credit and barely any time to do the things that 15 year olds do.  I have not flailed around in the throws of emotion.  I have not acted impulsively or selfishly.  I have not felt lost or naive or innocent or incompetent.  There was no sowing of wild oats.  There was not even a casual scattering of oats.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I was decidedly in denial that I was in possession of any oats.

So, imagine my surprise when this hurt and confused 15-year-old comes roaring out of me a year ago and starts demanding and flailing around in my perfectly crafted 41-year-old life.  At first, I shoved and ridiculed and railed against her.  I didn’t give her any credit or any time.  But she was not going to be denied.  And it was my veil of control and maturity that made it impossible for her to be heard.  So she had to shout…at me and, through me, at the people that I love.  And she wreaked havoc on my body and on my heart.  And she got her way.  And I, the 41-year-old, have had to try to make sense of the mess that she made, live my adult life as best as can through it all, and find ways for her to be here and have a voice while she needs it.  So, my current thinking is that it’s best to be in conversation with this 15-year-old rather than at war with her.  My parents probably have some fabulous advice about that.

About when I was 15 (or somewhere in there), I pulled a chair out from under Amy Wellington – a girl that I was becoming friends with.  It was a stupid prank and meant to be funny and, instead, I found that I had been hurtful and mean.  Amy (and her parents) were angry and our friendship stopped there.  I was so confused that it had happened that way – and dismayed and sorry.  And I didn’t really have words (except to apologize) to explain why I thought it would be funny.  It certainly seemed ridiculous when I went to explain it.  These are things that 15-year-olds do.  And it’s way harder to find myself in the same position as a grown woman without words (except sorry) to explain how I pulled the chair out from underneath us.  But I understand that my 15-year-old needs to go through some awkward, insecure, flailing stages.  Everyone needs to go through their stages or they won’t ever fully grow.  And I understand that not having things so perfectly, maturely, wrapped up is a much more authentic (and, actually…MATURE, by definition) way to live.

That doesn’t mean that it’s any easier…and especially on the days when I don’t really LIKE my 15-year-old self.  I think, however, that I’ve heard many many parents say how much they love their teenagers even on the days that they don’t like them.  And she does need a whole heap of love right now.  And I’ve got to be first in line to give it.

Hello!  Hello!!  The longer I go without writing a blog, the more impossible it feels to choose what to write about!  Not that there is a dearth of topics, oh nay nay!

One thing that I am seeing more clearly lately is how emotional energy really does directly correlate to any other kind of energy.  There has been so much focus over the last 10-12 months on so many huge, personal and interpersonal emotional transitions and sometimes I can really see how that’s just as demanding as physical work – especially when it comes to what I feel I have time and energy for beyond that.  And…I’m completely willing to give that emotional energy…I’d just like to do two things.  1)  recognize that it’s a factor in not having energy for other things sometimes and 2)  keep my feelers out for things that can be let go once they’ve been worried or pondered into oblivion.

This past weekend, N. and I freed up a few pieces of emotional energy and that ease translated immediately into being able to make the final few decisions we needed to start a new eating/exercise plan.  No coincidence, I’m sure!

Yes, there is a topic…moving from a life-long diet mentality to the needed guidelines of healthy living, minor course correction and maintenance.  One of those things that conceptualizing is a poor substitute for actually experiencing!

And another topic…the way that I balance “I” and “We” mentality.  My therapist put it this way…there are “I” people and “we” people.  Think of the forest or the tree.  Some folks are SO much an “I” person that they can’t see beyond even a single leaf.  Some are primarily focused on their personal tree.  Some balance the forest and the tree.  Then there is me.  I believe the term she used was “Mega-We.”  This is a fascinating lens to look through!  I do largely like my we mentality and I think it’s very much a core of who I am.  However, I would like to have the “I” more woven in, rather than grasped at with juvenile rebelliousness once it’s built up a need.  Just a small topic there, don’t you think?

Random topic – things that happen when you make a sudden change to the proportion of your body:

• parking a car is no longer possible.  Yup, as a direct result of surgery, I can no longer turn my car into a parking spot between the lines.  This was never a problem.
• long-distance driving.  I don’t know if it’s a different sitting posture or the tailbone thing or the sciatic nerve or what – but I’ve got to figure it out!
• not having a good place to rest my hands…used to stay on my hips!  But they go now to my new favorite place…the flat where the pelvis meets the legs.
• foward-motion.  I can run forward and back with so much more speed and agility!  Someday soon I will win a racquetball game!

One thing that does not change with body proportion:  I am not a Victoria Secret customer!  I mean, get over yourself with the 4 different kinds of tissue paper and the names of things!  I think I tried on the exquisite, the beautiful, the stunning, the gorgeous, the very lovely, the very very lovely…I’m not kidding!!  I found one (ONE!) that I wanted to consider.  The name of it?  The balconet.  That’s right.  Dictionary.com defines that word for us:  a railing or balustrade before a window, giving the effect of a balcony.  Why, I believe that was precisely what I was looking for, Victoria!  I would like to purchase a $50 purple piece of silk that makes me feel like a sexy, voluptuous, oh, what’s the word…balustrade!!!

And one more topic…lately I’ve realized that I feel like I’m waiting most all the time.  Waiting for N’s transition to show us the next steps (not to mention waiting to know what the whole thing is going to feel and look like!)  Waiting for us to get through the rough patches of this past year.  Waiting to get to places that I hope for.  I think that feeling like I’m waiting makes all the things that I do now feel more like transient, treading-water things.  It robs me of just living my life and all it’s moments.  So, I’m going to try and think differently about that.

There!  A Smorgasbord of topics and updates for you!  What should I dive into?