Monthly Archives: November 2012

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It’s Time to Find a Rock

So, you might have noticed the one-liner in the “I’m a Mess” blog that Nelson lost his job.  On October 24th.  Unexpectedly and for nothing he’s done wrong…rather unsavory.  And as we took in that news – on top of this HUGE year for us – we realized that we were rendered pretty much numb.  As our friends found out they each, in their way, kind of stammered around as dumbfounded as we were and just held out their arms kind of helplessly for lack of something to say or do to make it better.  I think we all agree that numb is a fairly reasonable place to be.

Among other complications of being in a job transition – like, say, it’s the holiday season when nothing’s getting done and, larger picture, not anticipating having to look for a job in this early stage of his MTF transition (that’s Male to Female for those who don’t know the lingo yet) – we realized that the planning and leave-saving we had been doing for a longer trip would potentially be wiped out by starting a new job.  And, in a nutshell, we kind of looked at each other and said, “well, we could just leave.”  Not Leave leave, but could we just get out of dodge for awhile?

And, long, boring story of logistics made short – we decided that we could.  Tricky thing this time of year for me, but somehow and largely with the help of all my friends and colleagues who want so much to support us, it has come to be.

So…tonight…after the Vienna Choral Society rehearsal…we release the hounds into our packed car towing a borrowed pop-up trailer and we are heading west.  San Antonio for just quick stop and Thanksgiving with friends.  Tucson for a few days with Nelson’s mom and step-dad.  And then the canyons.  Any canyons that we feel like stopping at for however long we wish to stop at them.  Yes, there are some big conditioners…the dogs, the camping when it’s 11 degrees at night, our food program (which is supposed to be highly restrictive for Nelson…that’s another blog)…but it could all categorized as an adventure and, I do love me an adventure!!  I hear that there are plenty of rocks all different times of the day and I intend to lie on several.  I would like to be “assaulted by nature” and have it take my breath away!

I don’t want to just get away and put time on hold.  I want to leave some things out on those rocks and take some things to soothe and heal me.  I want the ingredients of our car ride to make for a healthy, warm meal for our relationship and not a stagnant pool of feelings.  I would love to feel some energy and clarity take hold and be able to that fresh new breath that has shown itself a few times this year.  I want to not be a control freak – about this trip at least!  Don’t waste time in indecision…just say and do what we want every day that we can.  I want to not worry and go over every word and feeling with a fine-toothed comb.  And that goes for people and things back home too…not casting them aside, but trusting that everything is okay.  And maybe finding a better balance from having disconnected.

I may well write, but if I don’t, I don’t.   You understand, yes?  We are very lucky to be able to go.  There have only been a few tiny times in my life where I have allowed myself to “just keep driving.” We all have that feeling and so rarely can actually do it.  Well, not this time.  This time, I’m driving until I find my rock.  I think there will be a few where we are going!

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Trickle Down Liberation

Last night marriage equality passed on the ballots in Maryland, Maine and we’re hoping in Washington State as well.  I got an email at 1:10am from my dear friend saying, “‘I’m getting married!!!!!???!!!!”  On Monday, another dear friend could hardly contain her awe and joy that she had the opportunity to vote for her right to get married, while, in the same room, a third dear friend pent up her anxiety and didn’t dare hope – the populace had shot down the measure each of the 30 times it had been on a ballot in the past.

When I read the news on waking up this morning, I had this huge sense that the tide of the world is truly shifting.  I have believed this in theory – we’ve overcome inequality for blacks and for women and I have believed it to be hopefully inevitable that it will continue…for LGBTs, for hispanics…that all the yelling from those who are against is so loud because they are losing the fight.  But this morning is different.  This morning proves that the world moves when enough people are ready and when that happens, it doesn’t matter that some aren’t ready yet.  Growin’ and Changin’ as my friend is so fond of saying.

Growin’ and changin’ happens even when I don’t feel ready…in fact, one could argue that I’m struggling to keep up – working in the wake of growth and change that was so ready to happen that it already has.  I’ve been wrapped up in my cocoon trying desperately to learn how to grow up a little more, how to change in some ways, how to hold on to myself as that happens…thinking that I’m needing to figure out how to lead the charge.  Perhaps it’s the other way around and I’m really negotiating the waves that were created by being in the wake of a huge tide of change.  Damn it!    How many CEOs and world leaders do we love to laugh at for being out of touch know-it-alls!  They are so wrapped up in keeping their position and their loyalties and their sense of power that they are not only afraid to change, but they don’t even realize how far the world how moved beyond them because they haven’t changed.

The tide of the world shifted yesterday.  Despite the nay-sayers and the sniping political ads – and also with the enormous effort and enormous love of many hard-working people.  The liberation feels like a deep, calm shift to me – I know that’s strange and I’m sure that it was not a calm night for so many folks…but where I am, waking up to the news and having been in my cocoon, it sends a message that we’re walking through change and we are growing even when we are blinded to it.  The phrase that comes to mind is”trickle down liberation”…which amuses me greatly!

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I’m a Mess!!

Both physically and metaphysically!!  YAY!  This is very good news!  Let me ‘splain:

PHYSICALLY

I’ve known I’ve was a mess for over a year now but, according to my many doctor visits, I was CRAZY.  “Nope!  All the numbers say that you are the healthiest you’ve ever been and couldn’t be medically healthier!   When you’re feeling shaky or woozy – you should just buck up and barrel through!”  Really?  There have been times this year when I have been on the floor because I can’t stand up and times that I couldn’t put two thoughts together if my life depended on it.  My energy that has been nearly boundless even at 320 lbs has left me for a lump of jello in the space of 5 minutes.  And, by the way, for most of my life I have been the poster child of buck-up-and-barrel-through.  I know how to do that.  I COULDN’T DO THAT.  Now, it’s true that I also have some crazy going on…we’ll save that for the next section on the metaphysical…and it’s true that stress can play a huge hand in physical distress, but I have known for a long time now that there is more to the picture.  Back in January and February, I was actively begging for them to find a tumor or SOMETHING that we could work with.

Last Tuesday, I went to the Roselle Center for Healing seeking a more holistic approach to nutrition.  Seeking for someone to say those three little words that are so important…”in your circumstance.”  That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a magic pill or to avoid the pillars of science and nutrition…just simply for someone to look at MY history and MY symptoms and MY circumstances and help me find approaches to food and health that fit what I need.  I have been steeped in nutrition and weight loss for 25 years.  I can plug my own numbers into the cookie cutter database and have it spit out how many calories I need in a day.  That tells me NOTHING about how my body reacts to carbs vs. protein when I hit a low, how my gastric bypass totally F’s up my absorption of nutrients, how…you know what?  I think I need a separate blog for this rant…

ANYWAY, from the start, the Roselle Center was different. Cue #1 – on their intake form, they have a question that asks, “what do you think is wrong?”  I took in a 4-page document that I’d put together a couple months ago that I thought would help a nutritionist meet me where I am.  A summary of my weight gain and loss, an overview of my last year of symptoms, a summary of my current activity level and approach to food, a list of specific questions.  Oh yes, and my legal-size-paper spreadsheet of my bloodwork vitals going back to 1989.  The last nutritionist said “oh, thank you” when I handed this to her and put it behind her.  Sue Roselle said, “this is perfect!” and dove in – quickly and efficiently going through and pulling out the information that she needed…which, not coincidentally, were exactly the pieces that I thought were the most important!  She hacked and slashed through my bloodwork results pulling out indicators of concern that no one has ever mentioned.  Phrases like this one were typical…”Yes, this [insert nutrient name here] value is technically in the normal range, though it’s lower than I’d like to see it…but in your circumstances it’s alarmingly low and it indicates that nutrients related to it are likely deficient.”  And that was just considering the gastric bypass.  She went through the factors…a gastric bypass surgery, a highly restrictive Medifast diet (to lose the last 50 lbs), a major reconstructive surgery that I’m just really in phase 2 of the recovery and that requires different nutrition, a solid year of high emotional stress, the fact that I am peri-menopausal and a few more.  Any one of these, she said, would be cause for concern given my numbers, and I have layered them on like a club sandwich and it’s no damn wonder that I haven’t felt good for a year!!

So…she concluded…I’m definitely a mess.  Pretty much a body in nutritional crisis.  BUT, we have all the tools we need and all of it can be turned around!  THIS.  THIS I CAN WORK WITH!!!!

By the way…Nelson goes in tomorrow for his initial work over (and me for a follow up).  She is going to have a HAY DAY with him!  Between his food allergies (to all but 4 foods in the WHOLE WORLD) and the hormone replacement therapy.  HAY.  DAY.  And when she learns that a MTF transitions is also part of what we’re going through along with everything else – not to mention that he lost his job the day after I saw her last week – she is going to give me a look that says, “You are a mess.”  And I am going to look back with “I KNOW!!!!!!!”

METAPHYSICALLY

Also a mess.  As you know, really.  But the more I see it, sometimes, the more I realize that railing against it only makes me more of a mess. If I can say things to myself like, “okay, so you are [insert emotion here].  That’s okay.” Or if I can recognize that the 15-year-old is on the scene and say, “what’s up, little girl?” rather than actually act out.  These reactions help the negativity pass through me and out.  But often (and very often lately) I do the first part of recognizing the emotion or the petulance and then I take that and get angry or scared or anxious that I’m feeling that way or acting in a way that I don’t want to act…and instantaneously double the anxiety.

Here’s the simple statement.  We are all a mess at times.  I’ve just spent my life up to this past year ignoring that.  And now, I’m paying that price.  I’m gathering up all the messy places of my teens, my twenties and I’m sure my thirties are in here somewhere – and I’m seeing them for the first time.  Yes, they need some attention and some processing, but really not so much sometimes!

Alex (my life-long friend) and I used to use the image of taking these gremlins out from behind us – where they were lurking and poking and generally mucking about – pulling them around in front and saying, “I see you.”  I used to picture telling them to sit in the corner in front of me where I could see what they were doing.  And that does work sometimes…it’s my metaphor for actively recognizing and processing something.  And, many gremlins just don’t like to be seen – so they go away or calm down just for doing this.  However, I need to add a step. SOME gremlins – either right when you pull them around front or once they’ve been in their corner for the appropriate amount of time – need to be shown the door.  Creating a play space for them – no matter how visible – invites them to get comfortable again.

Is this saying to buck up and barrel through?  Sort of.  But not because there is nothing wrong.  Not because I’m not a mess.  Because I AM a mess sometimes.  Life is messy.  And the only way out is through.  That is also something I can work with.