Let me describe my current surroundings…it’s the best story yet! I am sitting in the Pilvax Bistro in Budapest, Hungary. It got great reviews around the food, the wine list, the vivacious manager (which is very true) and live piano music every night. I am seated right next to the piano and its lovely! Standards and more are pouring out this man’s hands – his hands almost literally tickle the keys and he plays everything at a rip roaring tempo, but delicate as tissue paper…all hunched over and a bit like Cellophane Man. As I started to write this, the tune he chose caught my ear and it took me a minute, but then I almost laughed out loud. It was “We are the Champions” played somehow in a “tickling the ivories” kind of way. And now he’s somehow managed to combine “That’s Amore” and “Jack the Ripper.” Amazing!

I spent the afternoon at the Szechenyi Baths…a totally unique experience and good!…and I’m relaxed and ready to experience some food and drink. I don’t know what I’m drinking…a fruit wine spritzer of some sort, but it’s yummy. I’ve ordered a few small dishes that caught my eye…ready for this?

• Goat cheese Mille feuille with plum jam and sour caramel, served with rose pepper-lettuce bouquet. Anyone know what a Mille feuille is? I guess I’ll find out! Hmm…it’s arrived and I still don’t know, but it’s yummy! My favorite of the three!
• Poached egg marinated in virgin olive oil with dried tomato aioli and shaved pecorino cheese. The most interesting, but a little overwhelmed by olive oil and served cold (by design, but I would have liked it better warm).
• And, of course, traditional gulash soup with tiny homemade dumplings. Warm, nicely spiced and very comforting!

I think I’ll take a little stroll and then come back for creme brûlée with rhubarb chutney and something a little stronger to go with it. But first, I think I need to find the Danube. Back in a few…

Well, that didn’t work! The manager is, indeed, engaging…charmingly persistent, whether by leaving me be long enough or offering tempting combinations! So, I’ve ordered the creme brûlée and he’s poured me a traditional tokaj asiu..very yummy spicy sweet dessert wine.

The Creme brûlée…Oh. My. Gods. Alex Knapp, my friend, you have now officially missed out! I’ve never had one like it!! I thought I needed you to get me through this country, but now I’ll have to bring you here next time!

So…this is an amazing experience. And it IS amazing to be navigating it on my own. (I’ve decided that it takes a bit of hair on your tits to step out of Keleti station..is that a phrase? oh well, it is now!…especially when you head the wrong way on the bus, have no local currency and can’t find anyone who speaks English!)

Just now, I’m missing my sweetie something fierce. We’d have taken this all in and then gone to find the Danube hand in hand. I think you’d like the tokaj, honey! I’ll have to find some to bring back!

I believe I do have the requisite (metaphorical!!!) hair, and so now, I WILL be finding that dang river!

End Story!

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An Austrian-flavored lesson on the value of being present:

• Vienna is beautiful, yes. More beautiful than Madrid or London? No. More beautiful than the redbuds and flowering trees on my Ashburn Street? Also no. Different flavor. Something to experience? Sure, but much more about how I am in Vienna than what I do.
• Palaces. I think I'll take or leave them now. They are big, opulent displays that are the shells of riches and triumphs long ago. The people and the times feel dry and dusty. It's so much more about imagining who they were and how it would feel to be there. And that's usually up to us! What was that chaise like when the upholstery was new and it was the empress' favorite chair? What was it like to be the livery boy on the 67th carriage out of 98 at the wedding procession? Was it any big deal? So, perhaps I won't ditch palaces, but if I go…it will be with a different lens.
• Coffee houses. Well, so far, I'd have to say that, again, it's up to me. They could be frayed and smoky or they could be charming and inspirational. The list of coffees and tortes could be exotic sounding, but if you get something that doesn't suit, it's no longer exotic.

Rather than set my expectations for gorgeousness like I've never known or for history to engage me or for the sweeping inspiration of a romantic atmosphere, I find that I am happiest when I shed those expectations and just be fully wherever I am and follow what I want to do. This is true when things exceed expectations and especially true when they don't. Did I love my fancy coffee and cheese torte? Nope, but I kinda loved realizing that it's not the perfect torte and coffee that will make my Vienna experience. It's me! I'll try something different the next time…get a good feel for the scope of things. And, I'll still enjoy my venti decaf soy latte with two and a half pumps sugar free vanilla syrup and two and half pumps sugar free cinnamon dolce syrup from the Starbucks in Ashburn when I want that too.

And when something is truly like nothing I've ever experienced before…well, I'll be there doing that too! Expect reality and you'll never be wrong. Be fully engaged in your reality and, I hope, you'll come out richer every time.

There is something very profound here…not sure I can quite explain it, but again….I'm sure I should be looking into Buddhism!

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So, I’ve gone and wung away again. Is that a phrase? Oh well, it is now! I’m writing this from the Moscow airport where I have a 5 hr layover before reaching Vienna (Austria!). I won’t be able to post this until after I arrive because I’m hoping my appearance will be a very big surprise to my folks who are there this week!

This is a combination of an opportunity that is uniquely given and seized! Yes, my calendar kind of suddenly cleared except for choral rehearsals that were not at a crucial phase. All but one of my medical procedures are done and the last (that I know of for now) scheduled for next week. Yes, I found a relatively decent price for the flight (thus the routing through Moscow with long layovers)!! My folks were going to be here and, when I made the decision, I hoped my oldest friend would be joining them for a few days as well. It was a convergence worthy of not letting pass me by!!

And then, as I thought about it, it also became something to seize for me. I have never done something like this — travel abroad or anywhere for a week by myself — that wasn’t related to business. I’ve always wanted to. I also haven’t been by or with myself for more than 24 hours in at least 2 years. Really! The more I thought about that, the more the idea and the need grew. I started looking up silent retreats and I realized that might be good and different thing to do, but it would also be a choice to isolate. And I don’t want to isolate right now. I DO want to stop my constant need for connection outside myself and I DO want to pause, reflect and process, but I’d like to feel part of the world as I do that. I haven’t felt like part of the world in a long while…present in MY world, yes, but not looking up from there.

I have felt the need to contextualize and even apologize for this trip decision. This has been such a time of change and the people around me have accommodated (and made possible!) so much of that change. It feels a little hare-brained to go off again…especially in such an exotic way. But, if I’m learning anything, I’m learning that change takes time…and the bigger the change, the more layers to work through. It seems silly to I feel that I’ve just now gotten to a place that is only about me. So much of this, from the beginning has been about me…my weight, my relationships, my approach, my demons. I think maybe that it’s finally down to how to take care of me, rather than be in a hob-knob with all my pieces. I had to go through a big gathering and assessment phase before I could get here.

And I have just caught glimpses of how to stand proudly on my feet again. To trust my instincts and love myself and my body. Glimpses, for sure…and sometimes not around at all! And what and how I love who I am is SO different than before. I feel very new. Very much at the beginning of this person and this phase, which is hard to believe after having been through so much already. I HAVE come to (well, through) Russia with love – lots and lots from those around me and with this little kernel of my own.

Have I mentioned that, for many months now, I’ve had this little shoving, stretching, screaming, mewling creature-coming-out-of-her-shell feeling? I feel like I’ve brought her, naked and in her half-shell, across the ocean with me. Is this incubation? Is it pilgrimage? Baptism? Sink or swim?

I think it’s most likely a combination of the first two. And, it’s my number one priority to lift my expectations and my pre-conceived notions about what that is “supposed” to be. I hope that it is something and that I come back with an experience that informs me. And helps me relax – or at least know better what that means to me. And adds to my perspective. And I’ll stop listing now.

First up – surprising my wonderful parents and hopefully recording the look on their faces!! Even if I spend the whole week in Vienna doing my own thing, that would be worth every cent!! And then…coffee houses here I come!!

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When we last talked, the physical symptoms were still piling on and so I don’t want to go too long without an update.  Believe me, I’ve heard and felt your worry and your care.  I’m so appreciative and I’m clearly “in” with both feet on this blog relationship, so here’s the latest scoop at least briefly.

On the physical front, we have lots of checked off specialist visits and ruling outs and a couple next level investigations.  It seems fairly unanimous that blood sugar and related conditions (hypoglycemia, pre-diabetes, gastric-bypass-related pancreas or blood-sugar swings, etc) are not believed to be the culprits.  Also, endocrin issues such as thyroid, hormone balance, cortisol, etc. have no legs.  I have been been very satisfied that each specialist has responded to me with good attention.  Some were already right there with me and some were swayed to spend more time and attention after the tears started to flow.  Wasn’t my plan, per say, but it has turned out to be a very good attention-getter, and has stopped a couple from waving me off.

The cardiologist doesn’t believe that there is anything there, but has sent me for several procedures (echo cardiogram, carotid doppler, 24-hr holter monitor).  I had the echo yesterday and the technician asked me at one point if I could feel “all those extra beats that were happening.”  I said, nervously, “no -is something unusual happening right now?”  And she said that it was all just fine.  Hmm….

The neurologist – the one that you WANT to shoo you away with no concerns – is the one that thinks there are things to look at.  He doesn’t believe that stress would explain everything away (which has been everyone else’s feeling) and so I have an MRI of my brain next week and a couple of EEGs ahead of me.  He did rule out an aneurism, so that’s good!

For the last several days, my symptoms have been markedly reduced – so that’s good!  I’m about to cycle up again (in that female way) though and that will be something to note…if the symptoms get worse, that will be 3 times in a row.  Please just let me sail through the wedding of dear friends on Saturday first!!!  We can’t have the minion-of-honor on the ground.  That is NOT in the master plan…which I have spear-headed!!!

Emotionally, I will say that many of my pieces have started to talk to each other and provided me with a lot of insight.  I’m not really ready to talk about that here just yet, but I’ll say that I’m much more prepared to accept that emotional struggle can really be a huge part of the physical struggle that I have had.  I’m very  hopeful that the relieving of some of my symptoms is directly related to this acceptance and I certainly feel like I’m turning to face the changes in my life and let them change me in response.

The challenge now…well, it’s the same one that I have stated many times and still am wrestling with how to actually take on…how to stay in the here and now.  Every single specialist (and therapist and friend) has essentially said to me two things, “WOW.  Huge things are happening in your life.  HUGE!  I can’t even imagine it!  It’s SO MUCH!”  (and usually on like that for some time) and then almost immediately accompanied with, “You’ve got to RELAX!!”

Staying here and not borrowing all the “what ifs” and “could have beens” is a really good idea.  Overall, “here” is not a bad place to be.  Yes, I’m dizzy sometimes and we’re working on that.  Yes, I’m sad sometimes, but usually because of the aforementioned ifs and could haves.  Yes, my people struggle sometimes and, you know what, often because of their own ifs and could haves and they are doing their work too.  Nicole is in the middle of a long, complex change.  I am in the middle of long, complex change.  It’s spring!  I have a body to take care of.  Friends are getting married in Maryland because they can!  My choruses are fulfilling and we’re doing exciting things.  I reduced my teaching and, after these specialist appointments, I intend to get back to my own creative work.

These are the things that are around me here and now.  When a rabbit-hole of doubt or sad or fear appears, it sometimes feels like those things and my people are far away from me.  I’d like to have more ways of putting on some temporary blinders and just staying present.  Use restarts – hourly if need be!  Just go do something else.  Run.  Sing.  Play with the dogs.  It sounds so simple, but it’s so hard in the moment.  Acknowledge the emotion – don’t shove it away, but don’t let it run rampant and blind me to the present.  Really, I think I’ll need to end up studying the Bhudda or something!

Speaking of the here and now…I have dogs to walk and a wedding to help get on it’s feet!