When we last talked, the physical symptoms were still piling on and so I don’t want to go too long without an update.  Believe me, I’ve heard and felt your worry and your care.  I’m so appreciative and I’m clearly “in” with both feet on this blog relationship, so here’s the latest scoop at least briefly.

On the physical front, we have lots of checked off specialist visits and ruling outs and a couple next level investigations.  It seems fairly unanimous that blood sugar and related conditions (hypoglycemia, pre-diabetes, gastric-bypass-related pancreas or blood-sugar swings, etc) are not believed to be the culprits.  Also, endocrin issues such as thyroid, hormone balance, cortisol, etc. have no legs.  I have been been very satisfied that each specialist has responded to me with good attention.  Some were already right there with me and some were swayed to spend more time and attention after the tears started to flow.  Wasn’t my plan, per say, but it has turned out to be a very good attention-getter, and has stopped a couple from waving me off.

The cardiologist doesn’t believe that there is anything there, but has sent me for several procedures (echo cardiogram, carotid doppler, 24-hr holter monitor).  I had the echo yesterday and the technician asked me at one point if I could feel “all those extra beats that were happening.”  I said, nervously, “no -is something unusual happening right now?”  And she said that it was all just fine.  Hmm….

The neurologist – the one that you WANT to shoo you away with no concerns – is the one that thinks there are things to look at.  He doesn’t believe that stress would explain everything away (which has been everyone else’s feeling) and so I have an MRI of my brain next week and a couple of EEGs ahead of me.  He did rule out an aneurism, so that’s good!

For the last several days, my symptoms have been markedly reduced – so that’s good!  I’m about to cycle up again (in that female way) though and that will be something to note…if the symptoms get worse, that will be 3 times in a row.  Please just let me sail through the wedding of dear friends on Saturday first!!!  We can’t have the minion-of-honor on the ground.  That is NOT in the master plan…which I have spear-headed!!!

Emotionally, I will say that many of my pieces have started to talk to each other and provided me with a lot of insight.  I’m not really ready to talk about that here just yet, but I’ll say that I’m much more prepared to accept that emotional struggle can really be a huge part of the physical struggle that I have had.  I’m very  hopeful that the relieving of some of my symptoms is directly related to this acceptance and I certainly feel like I’m turning to face the changes in my life and let them change me in response.

The challenge now…well, it’s the same one that I have stated many times and still am wrestling with how to actually take on…how to stay in the here and now.  Every single specialist (and therapist and friend) has essentially said to me two things, “WOW.  Huge things are happening in your life.  HUGE!  I can’t even imagine it!  It’s SO MUCH!”  (and usually on like that for some time) and then almost immediately accompanied with, “You’ve got to RELAX!!”

Staying here and not borrowing all the “what ifs” and “could have beens” is a really good idea.  Overall, “here” is not a bad place to be.  Yes, I’m dizzy sometimes and we’re working on that.  Yes, I’m sad sometimes, but usually because of the aforementioned ifs and could haves.  Yes, my people struggle sometimes and, you know what, often because of their own ifs and could haves and they are doing their work too.  Nicole is in the middle of a long, complex change.  I am in the middle of long, complex change.  It’s spring!  I have a body to take care of.  Friends are getting married in Maryland because they can!  My choruses are fulfilling and we’re doing exciting things.  I reduced my teaching and, after these specialist appointments, I intend to get back to my own creative work.

These are the things that are around me here and now.  When a rabbit-hole of doubt or sad or fear appears, it sometimes feels like those things and my people are far away from me.  I’d like to have more ways of putting on some temporary blinders and just staying present.  Use restarts – hourly if need be!  Just go do something else.  Run.  Sing.  Play with the dogs.  It sounds so simple, but it’s so hard in the moment.  Acknowledge the emotion – don’t shove it away, but don’t let it run rampant and blind me to the present.  Really, I think I’ll need to end up studying the Bhudda or something!

Speaking of the here and now…I have dogs to walk and a wedding to help get on it’s feet!