Tag Archives: coming out

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Change Management

A whole ‘nother life ago, I worked at the University of Maryland (College Park).  I spent about 10 years there, “falling up the ladder” as I called it.  It was supposed to be my day job while I pursued my performance career, but this was no waitressing gig!  I started as a Research Assistant in the Fundraising Research office of the University of Maryland System headquarters the summer before my graduate program in opera began.  Within 2 years, I was the Assistant Director there and in 2 more years, I came over to College Park as the Director of Advancement Research.  I was 25 years old and suddenly in charge of building a research staff that grew to almost 20 people and a budget of nearly $1 million over the next 7 years.

But after four years of that job, I decided that wasn’t enough and I sought out the Office of Organizational Effectiveness and became an internal consultant for the University (in addition to my primary job there).  I was trained in a whole slate of organizational development consulting – including communications, strategic planning, facilitation, leadership coaching and change/transition management.  I loved it!  It’s where I started to realize my personal core skill set:  creativity, organization and that being-good-on-my-feet thing!

When I was laid off from the University, I formed my own independent consulting firm – yup, limited liability company status and everything! – thinking that I would use this as my primary source of income.  I called it Icarus Evolving – based on a concept that I loved so much that I’ll digress to tell you about it.  As the Greek myth goes – Icarus was the son of a master craftsman, Daedalus, who built wings from feathers and wax so that they could escape Crete.  As they took their first flight, Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, but once they were aloft, Icarus forgot in his excitement.  He flew too high, the sun melted the wax and Icarus fell into the sea that now bears his name (the Icarian Sea).  It was an daring, incredible feat, based on masterful skill and innovation, and compromised only by a very human moment up there in the sky.  As humans, we evolve.  The fittest survive, yes, but the fittest learn from experience.  They keep the things that work and shed the things that don’t.  I wanted my clients to have the ability to innovate and take risks, to follow momentum and not be afraid of change and adventure and then to also be prepared, follow their strengths and keep their wits about them as they flew.

Great idea, no?  And, of course, at the same time, N. and I formed our game design business (Cheese Weasel Logistics), and I went full bore after my performance goals.  I wrote my first cabaret show and recorded a CD and all of that turned into Plunge! Cabaret which was also a fully formed company within the next two years (making three concurrent companies if you are counting – complete with budgets, taxes, business licenses, and the like).   For awhile, I was determined to have a career stove with 3 front burners.  I remember distinctly a working retreat that I had with a friend who was also building a consulting company (we were going to partner together) where I fought and fought for all 3 of my burners…and I ended up in tears (a fairly rare occurrence in my life at the time) as I realized that wasn’t going to work in real life.

Rather than continue with the life story…where am I going with this?  Always a good question and, as usual with these blogs, I don’t know when I start writing.  Lately, I’ve been simply staggered by the amount of change happening in my life right now.  It’s odd to be staggered now, isn’t it?  I mean…things have been in flux for well over a year now.  But things have been caught up in crisis for so much of that time.  Physical, emotional, relationship-ial crisis.  The crisis feel is lifting, which is wonderful and lets me breathe and see clearer.  And what I see is that every big change that it happening is not only ongoing, but actually in prime time right now.

THE DOCKET:

  • N.’s transition is really just taking off.  Just moving from theory into daily practice.  And that, all on it’s own, is a huge thing for us both – encompassing physical and emotional energy, time and money.
  • We are in the first stages of exploring a huge nutritional change – in the ongoing effort to solve the physical issues that I’ve been having for 15 months and for better health for us both.  I need to write more about this, but the dietary changes are massive and so our every meal requires our attention.  This, of course, follows on the heels of a major physical transformation (and surgery) for me.
  • The vocal node that I struggled with 5 years ago is back (which really should be no surprise given my physical and emotional condition) and that means vocal therapy and daily attention to my speaking and singing habits.  Huge.
  • And, finally, citing my described history (above) of multi-burner tending, I realize that I need to assess that pace of life because I don’t have the energy or the time that I need to devote to my (and our) physical and mental health.  So, I’m deeply engaged in figuring out how to realign.  How to include more things that both energize and relax me – the things that work.  How to shed things that don’t.  This is a task that aims to change 25 years of habit.

Just a few changes, right?  And me…swimming about in them  with the only real tool that I’ve come up with being to not panic and let all the pieces just be around without grabbing for too much structure too soon.  And…10 years ago, I was going about as an organizational consultant with a focus on change management.  Really?!!  Really!  What the hell did I know?!  Had I actually experienced significant change myself?  I mean, I suppose in some ways, but certainly not change that was hard like this or emotionally charged like this.  I loved the name and the idea of Icarus Evolving, but always thought of myself more like Daedalus.  The innovator, the master and the one who kept his head.  Turns out that Icarus and I have WAY more in common.  Only, I am lucky enough to be here evolving…learning from my human moments.  Perhaps, one day, I too will have a sea named after me…let’s just hope that it’s not because I crashed into it!

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Lost and Found

After my last blog (about coming home from the west), my mom commented, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, there’s my J-Bug!” – clearly relieved to recognize her eldest daughter in those words.  And, upon hearing that, Nicole (formerly known as Nelson…yes, we’re moving into the changing of names and pronouns) asked me what she thought was a simple question.  “Have you felt lost this year?”  The tears were instantaneous.  Um…YES.  My gosh, YES!!!  Is that not completely obvious to anyone within a half mile of me?  Apparently not. Probably due to the fact that I am immensely good on my feet.  <weak laugh>

There is no good nutshell for this – there are bits of everything in it…most of which finds its way into this blog somehow.  (Speaking of which, I’ve decided that I’m not going to spend the precious moments that I find to write a blog either trying to update every daily thing like a news report or apologize for how much time has passed since I last blogged.  I would like to do more.  We’ll see if that can happen.  Until then, you’ll have to go with the present topic!)

This feeling of lost is sometimes about the brain (what I know…err…knew….err…know about things and about myself); often emotional (how to swim in a MUCH bigger sea of emotion than I was in before); and then there is my body – what does it need?  who do I listen to?  what has happened to it along this journey?

When they all jump into the pool at once, it’s crazy-making.  It makes me feel like every single choice I’ve made in my life is called into question and whether where I am is where I want to be.  I’ve heard about this with people who lose a massive amount of weight – they kind of “bust out” into the life they think they could’ve had.  But the only time that I hear about that being a good thing is when they’ve had people truly putting them down and holding them back while they were heavy.  That’s not my situation.  Like I said WAY back when – they told me before my Gastric Bypass surgery that I would face so much negative from others and would have to stand up for my new-found positive.  I have experienced just the opposite…I have so much of my own negative and only positive from others coming at me.  It’s just silly.  But it’s not, because it’s real.

So, that’s lost.  And then there is found.  And these two things co-exist with each other…maddeningly.  Topic for another blog…I am NOT GOOD at living in the middle.  When I see where I want to go – I want to go there all at once.  My dear friend pointed out that really aren’t we all living in the middle all the time?  To which I cover my ears and holler “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA….NOT LISTENING!!!!!”  Totally adult response, don’t you think?

The found pieces are when I get a bit of perspective and I know (or I REMEMBER) that I truly believe in so many of the choices I have made in my life and that I have lived as openly and mindfully as I can.  Yes, while doing so, I did shove away things that I didn’t want to see, but that doesn’t mean that I was pretending at the rest, does it?  I do have the talents I have and a strong personality that is built on many things including how I “overcame” the things that I struggle with now.  Well, I’ve always struggled with them…I just know it now that the fight has come out into the open.

So, largely, I need to let myself wander between lost and found.  And then, of course, it’s immensely helpful to me to find myself in my reflection from others too.  Sometimes people are so clear about what kind of person I am…sometimes that is hugely comforting and sometimes I want to yell that I’m different now and don’t put me in the old boxes.

Does this mean that I’m living in the middle?  Well, yes.  (THBTT!!!)

And I’ll get my head around things in time – not complete conclusions…but further along in this process or that.  One thing to realize right now is that a rational response has sometimes been moved to the second thing that happens…after the emotional response.  This is new.  This is hard for me.  This is probably whiplash from a clamp-down on some levels of emotion for 20+ years.  This is probably a more human place – though I would like it to be just a little less of a roller coaster, at least more of the time.

Is this all just one more way of saying, “welcome to the human race, Jen!?” Maybe.  I don’t suppose we could have just thrown a housewarming party and called it done?  I could use a new blender.

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Found a Rock

(from December 3rd)

The setting couldn’t be more perfect.  A rough campsite in a bowl of red and gold rocks – that we crossed a small creek to get to – somewhere in the northern part of the Grand Staircase – Escalante National Monument.  Woke before sunrise and walked around with the camera.  Nelson and the dogs are buried under blankets in the camper.  I’ve built a fire and am sitting as close to it as I can, Mac in my lap with full battery.

We’ve been so many places and seen so many beautiful rocks.  We’ve climbed all the
“stairs” of the Grand Staircase – from the Grand Canyon through the Vermillion Cliffs, Zion and Bryce.  Mostly in the car, but some out on foot – like a 6 mile hike today!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m out here to do.  But I’m beginning to think that a to-do list wasn’t the point.  (Really, how many times am I going to learn that lesson!?)  I know that I didn’t come out here to hide, yet I did want to breathe some different air for awhile.  I don’t want to disconnect from all that is going on – rather I want to get some perspective so that I can connect better with the things that are important.  And while I very well may leave pieces of things out here – sadness, anxiety, stress – I’m not looking to get all fixed up before I come back.  That’s not how life works, I’m realizing, and…more…not how I want it to work.  It’s more about how I live with all my pieces.  Those that get left here will simply be because it was time for them to go and there was breath and space to let them.  I don’t want a fresh start on life – I just want to keep living, moving and breathing with the life I have.  I generally like all my pieces and I’ve needed to come back around to that.

I did some Facebook check-ins as we started the trip and I want to do some more.  At first, I felt like I was supposed to turn the phone off for 3 weeks, and that is what everyone expected (and allowed!) as well.  But, I quickly felt that this was not what this trip is about.  It’s connecting differently – kind of on my own terms.  Not disconnecting.   I want this trip to be integral to my life right now.  Not an escape hatch.

So, I’m thinking that I’m out here to be out here.  To have this experience with my partner and our dogs and our car.  To be assaulted by nature over and over again – in the midst of every emotion.  Yesterday, we had a deep and sensitive conversation that kept being broken up by interjections about the horizon and the rocks and the dogs, but the focus was there to keep weaving through.

And all these rocks are my rocks.  A few that I laid on.  Countless ones that I gasped at.  They are all part of this rejuvenation and this rejuvenation is “just” a part of my life.

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It’s Time to Find a Rock

So, you might have noticed the one-liner in the “I’m a Mess” blog that Nelson lost his job.  On October 24th.  Unexpectedly and for nothing he’s done wrong…rather unsavory.  And as we took in that news – on top of this HUGE year for us – we realized that we were rendered pretty much numb.  As our friends found out they each, in their way, kind of stammered around as dumbfounded as we were and just held out their arms kind of helplessly for lack of something to say or do to make it better.  I think we all agree that numb is a fairly reasonable place to be.

Among other complications of being in a job transition – like, say, it’s the holiday season when nothing’s getting done and, larger picture, not anticipating having to look for a job in this early stage of his MTF transition (that’s Male to Female for those who don’t know the lingo yet) – we realized that the planning and leave-saving we had been doing for a longer trip would potentially be wiped out by starting a new job.  And, in a nutshell, we kind of looked at each other and said, “well, we could just leave.”  Not Leave leave, but could we just get out of dodge for awhile?

And, long, boring story of logistics made short – we decided that we could.  Tricky thing this time of year for me, but somehow and largely with the help of all my friends and colleagues who want so much to support us, it has come to be.

So…tonight…after the Vienna Choral Society rehearsal…we release the hounds into our packed car towing a borrowed pop-up trailer and we are heading west.  San Antonio for just quick stop and Thanksgiving with friends.  Tucson for a few days with Nelson’s mom and step-dad.  And then the canyons.  Any canyons that we feel like stopping at for however long we wish to stop at them.  Yes, there are some big conditioners…the dogs, the camping when it’s 11 degrees at night, our food program (which is supposed to be highly restrictive for Nelson…that’s another blog)…but it could all categorized as an adventure and, I do love me an adventure!!  I hear that there are plenty of rocks all different times of the day and I intend to lie on several.  I would like to be “assaulted by nature” and have it take my breath away!

I don’t want to just get away and put time on hold.  I want to leave some things out on those rocks and take some things to soothe and heal me.  I want the ingredients of our car ride to make for a healthy, warm meal for our relationship and not a stagnant pool of feelings.  I would love to feel some energy and clarity take hold and be able to that fresh new breath that has shown itself a few times this year.  I want to not be a control freak – about this trip at least!  Don’t waste time in indecision…just say and do what we want every day that we can.  I want to not worry and go over every word and feeling with a fine-toothed comb.  And that goes for people and things back home too…not casting them aside, but trusting that everything is okay.  And maybe finding a better balance from having disconnected.

I may well write, but if I don’t, I don’t.   You understand, yes?  We are very lucky to be able to go.  There have only been a few tiny times in my life where I have allowed myself to “just keep driving.” We all have that feeling and so rarely can actually do it.  Well, not this time.  This time, I’m driving until I find my rock.  I think there will be a few where we are going!

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Trickle Down Liberation

Last night marriage equality passed on the ballots in Maryland, Maine and we’re hoping in Washington State as well.  I got an email at 1:10am from my dear friend saying, “‘I’m getting married!!!!!???!!!!”  On Monday, another dear friend could hardly contain her awe and joy that she had the opportunity to vote for her right to get married, while, in the same room, a third dear friend pent up her anxiety and didn’t dare hope – the populace had shot down the measure each of the 30 times it had been on a ballot in the past.

When I read the news on waking up this morning, I had this huge sense that the tide of the world is truly shifting.  I have believed this in theory – we’ve overcome inequality for blacks and for women and I have believed it to be hopefully inevitable that it will continue…for LGBTs, for hispanics…that all the yelling from those who are against is so loud because they are losing the fight.  But this morning is different.  This morning proves that the world moves when enough people are ready and when that happens, it doesn’t matter that some aren’t ready yet.  Growin’ and Changin’ as my friend is so fond of saying.

Growin’ and changin’ happens even when I don’t feel ready…in fact, one could argue that I’m struggling to keep up – working in the wake of growth and change that was so ready to happen that it already has.  I’ve been wrapped up in my cocoon trying desperately to learn how to grow up a little more, how to change in some ways, how to hold on to myself as that happens…thinking that I’m needing to figure out how to lead the charge.  Perhaps it’s the other way around and I’m really negotiating the waves that were created by being in the wake of a huge tide of change.  Damn it!    How many CEOs and world leaders do we love to laugh at for being out of touch know-it-alls!  They are so wrapped up in keeping their position and their loyalties and their sense of power that they are not only afraid to change, but they don’t even realize how far the world how moved beyond them because they haven’t changed.

The tide of the world shifted yesterday.  Despite the nay-sayers and the sniping political ads – and also with the enormous effort and enormous love of many hard-working people.  The liberation feels like a deep, calm shift to me – I know that’s strange and I’m sure that it was not a calm night for so many folks…but where I am, waking up to the news and having been in my cocoon, it sends a message that we’re walking through change and we are growing even when we are blinded to it.  The phrase that comes to mind is”trickle down liberation”…which amuses me greatly!