Tag Archives: road trip

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Found a Rock

(from December 3rd)

The setting couldn’t be more perfect.  A rough campsite in a bowl of red and gold rocks – that we crossed a small creek to get to – somewhere in the northern part of the Grand Staircase – Escalante National Monument.  Woke before sunrise and walked around with the camera.  Nelson and the dogs are buried under blankets in the camper.  I’ve built a fire and am sitting as close to it as I can, Mac in my lap with full battery.

We’ve been so many places and seen so many beautiful rocks.  We’ve climbed all the
“stairs” of the Grand Staircase – from the Grand Canyon through the Vermillion Cliffs, Zion and Bryce.  Mostly in the car, but some out on foot – like a 6 mile hike today!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m out here to do.  But I’m beginning to think that a to-do list wasn’t the point.  (Really, how many times am I going to learn that lesson!?)  I know that I didn’t come out here to hide, yet I did want to breathe some different air for awhile.  I don’t want to disconnect from all that is going on – rather I want to get some perspective so that I can connect better with the things that are important.  And while I very well may leave pieces of things out here – sadness, anxiety, stress – I’m not looking to get all fixed up before I come back.  That’s not how life works, I’m realizing, and…more…not how I want it to work.  It’s more about how I live with all my pieces.  Those that get left here will simply be because it was time for them to go and there was breath and space to let them.  I don’t want a fresh start on life – I just want to keep living, moving and breathing with the life I have.  I generally like all my pieces and I’ve needed to come back around to that.

I did some Facebook check-ins as we started the trip and I want to do some more.  At first, I felt like I was supposed to turn the phone off for 3 weeks, and that is what everyone expected (and allowed!) as well.  But, I quickly felt that this was not what this trip is about.  It’s connecting differently – kind of on my own terms.  Not disconnecting.   I want this trip to be integral to my life right now.  Not an escape hatch.

So, I’m thinking that I’m out here to be out here.  To have this experience with my partner and our dogs and our car.  To be assaulted by nature over and over again – in the midst of every emotion.  Yesterday, we had a deep and sensitive conversation that kept being broken up by interjections about the horizon and the rocks and the dogs, but the focus was there to keep weaving through.

And all these rocks are my rocks.  A few that I laid on.  Countless ones that I gasped at.  They are all part of this rejuvenation and this rejuvenation is “just” a part of my life.

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It’s Time to Find a Rock

So, you might have noticed the one-liner in the “I’m a Mess” blog that Nelson lost his job.  On October 24th.  Unexpectedly and for nothing he’s done wrong…rather unsavory.  And as we took in that news – on top of this HUGE year for us – we realized that we were rendered pretty much numb.  As our friends found out they each, in their way, kind of stammered around as dumbfounded as we were and just held out their arms kind of helplessly for lack of something to say or do to make it better.  I think we all agree that numb is a fairly reasonable place to be.

Among other complications of being in a job transition – like, say, it’s the holiday season when nothing’s getting done and, larger picture, not anticipating having to look for a job in this early stage of his MTF transition (that’s Male to Female for those who don’t know the lingo yet) – we realized that the planning and leave-saving we had been doing for a longer trip would potentially be wiped out by starting a new job.  And, in a nutshell, we kind of looked at each other and said, “well, we could just leave.”  Not Leave leave, but could we just get out of dodge for awhile?

And, long, boring story of logistics made short – we decided that we could.  Tricky thing this time of year for me, but somehow and largely with the help of all my friends and colleagues who want so much to support us, it has come to be.

So…tonight…after the Vienna Choral Society rehearsal…we release the hounds into our packed car towing a borrowed pop-up trailer and we are heading west.  San Antonio for just quick stop and Thanksgiving with friends.  Tucson for a few days with Nelson’s mom and step-dad.  And then the canyons.  Any canyons that we feel like stopping at for however long we wish to stop at them.  Yes, there are some big conditioners…the dogs, the camping when it’s 11 degrees at night, our food program (which is supposed to be highly restrictive for Nelson…that’s another blog)…but it could all categorized as an adventure and, I do love me an adventure!!  I hear that there are plenty of rocks all different times of the day and I intend to lie on several.  I would like to be “assaulted by nature” and have it take my breath away!

I don’t want to just get away and put time on hold.  I want to leave some things out on those rocks and take some things to soothe and heal me.  I want the ingredients of our car ride to make for a healthy, warm meal for our relationship and not a stagnant pool of feelings.  I would love to feel some energy and clarity take hold and be able to that fresh new breath that has shown itself a few times this year.  I want to not be a control freak – about this trip at least!  Don’t waste time in indecision…just say and do what we want every day that we can.  I want to not worry and go over every word and feeling with a fine-toothed comb.  And that goes for people and things back home too…not casting them aside, but trusting that everything is okay.  And maybe finding a better balance from having disconnected.

I may well write, but if I don’t, I don’t.   You understand, yes?  We are very lucky to be able to go.  There have only been a few tiny times in my life where I have allowed myself to “just keep driving.” We all have that feeling and so rarely can actually do it.  Well, not this time.  This time, I’m driving until I find my rock.  I think there will be a few where we are going!