Tag Archives: self disgust

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Change Management

A whole ‘nother life ago, I worked at the University of Maryland (College Park).  I spent about 10 years there, “falling up the ladder” as I called it.  It was supposed to be my day job while I pursued my performance career, but this was no waitressing gig!  I started as a Research Assistant in the Fundraising Research office of the University of Maryland System headquarters the summer before my graduate program in opera began.  Within 2 years, I was the Assistant Director there and in 2 more years, I came over to College Park as the Director of Advancement Research.  I was 25 years old and suddenly in charge of building a research staff that grew to almost 20 people and a budget of nearly $1 million over the next 7 years.

But after four years of that job, I decided that wasn’t enough and I sought out the Office of Organizational Effectiveness and became an internal consultant for the University (in addition to my primary job there).  I was trained in a whole slate of organizational development consulting – including communications, strategic planning, facilitation, leadership coaching and change/transition management.  I loved it!  It’s where I started to realize my personal core skill set:  creativity, organization and that being-good-on-my-feet thing!

When I was laid off from the University, I formed my own independent consulting firm – yup, limited liability company status and everything! – thinking that I would use this as my primary source of income.  I called it Icarus Evolving – based on a concept that I loved so much that I’ll digress to tell you about it.  As the Greek myth goes – Icarus was the son of a master craftsman, Daedalus, who built wings from feathers and wax so that they could escape Crete.  As they took their first flight, Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, but once they were aloft, Icarus forgot in his excitement.  He flew too high, the sun melted the wax and Icarus fell into the sea that now bears his name (the Icarian Sea).  It was an daring, incredible feat, based on masterful skill and innovation, and compromised only by a very human moment up there in the sky.  As humans, we evolve.  The fittest survive, yes, but the fittest learn from experience.  They keep the things that work and shed the things that don’t.  I wanted my clients to have the ability to innovate and take risks, to follow momentum and not be afraid of change and adventure and then to also be prepared, follow their strengths and keep their wits about them as they flew.

Great idea, no?  And, of course, at the same time, N. and I formed our game design business (Cheese Weasel Logistics), and I went full bore after my performance goals.  I wrote my first cabaret show and recorded a CD and all of that turned into Plunge! Cabaret which was also a fully formed company within the next two years (making three concurrent companies if you are counting – complete with budgets, taxes, business licenses, and the like).   For awhile, I was determined to have a career stove with 3 front burners.  I remember distinctly a working retreat that I had with a friend who was also building a consulting company (we were going to partner together) where I fought and fought for all 3 of my burners…and I ended up in tears (a fairly rare occurrence in my life at the time) as I realized that wasn’t going to work in real life.

Rather than continue with the life story…where am I going with this?  Always a good question and, as usual with these blogs, I don’t know when I start writing.  Lately, I’ve been simply staggered by the amount of change happening in my life right now.  It’s odd to be staggered now, isn’t it?  I mean…things have been in flux for well over a year now.  But things have been caught up in crisis for so much of that time.  Physical, emotional, relationship-ial crisis.  The crisis feel is lifting, which is wonderful and lets me breathe and see clearer.  And what I see is that every big change that it happening is not only ongoing, but actually in prime time right now.

THE DOCKET:

  • N.’s transition is really just taking off.  Just moving from theory into daily practice.  And that, all on it’s own, is a huge thing for us both – encompassing physical and emotional energy, time and money.
  • We are in the first stages of exploring a huge nutritional change – in the ongoing effort to solve the physical issues that I’ve been having for 15 months and for better health for us both.  I need to write more about this, but the dietary changes are massive and so our every meal requires our attention.  This, of course, follows on the heels of a major physical transformation (and surgery) for me.
  • The vocal node that I struggled with 5 years ago is back (which really should be no surprise given my physical and emotional condition) and that means vocal therapy and daily attention to my speaking and singing habits.  Huge.
  • And, finally, citing my described history (above) of multi-burner tending, I realize that I need to assess that pace of life because I don’t have the energy or the time that I need to devote to my (and our) physical and mental health.  So, I’m deeply engaged in figuring out how to realign.  How to include more things that both energize and relax me – the things that work.  How to shed things that don’t.  This is a task that aims to change 25 years of habit.

Just a few changes, right?  And me…swimming about in them  with the only real tool that I’ve come up with being to not panic and let all the pieces just be around without grabbing for too much structure too soon.  And…10 years ago, I was going about as an organizational consultant with a focus on change management.  Really?!!  Really!  What the hell did I know?!  Had I actually experienced significant change myself?  I mean, I suppose in some ways, but certainly not change that was hard like this or emotionally charged like this.  I loved the name and the idea of Icarus Evolving, but always thought of myself more like Daedalus.  The innovator, the master and the one who kept his head.  Turns out that Icarus and I have WAY more in common.  Only, I am lucky enough to be here evolving…learning from my human moments.  Perhaps, one day, I too will have a sea named after me…let’s just hope that it’s not because I crashed into it!

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Lost and Found

After my last blog (about coming home from the west), my mom commented, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, there’s my J-Bug!” – clearly relieved to recognize her eldest daughter in those words.  And, upon hearing that, Nicole (formerly known as Nelson…yes, we’re moving into the changing of names and pronouns) asked me what she thought was a simple question.  “Have you felt lost this year?”  The tears were instantaneous.  Um…YES.  My gosh, YES!!!  Is that not completely obvious to anyone within a half mile of me?  Apparently not. Probably due to the fact that I am immensely good on my feet.  <weak laugh>

There is no good nutshell for this – there are bits of everything in it…most of which finds its way into this blog somehow.  (Speaking of which, I’ve decided that I’m not going to spend the precious moments that I find to write a blog either trying to update every daily thing like a news report or apologize for how much time has passed since I last blogged.  I would like to do more.  We’ll see if that can happen.  Until then, you’ll have to go with the present topic!)

This feeling of lost is sometimes about the brain (what I know…err…knew….err…know about things and about myself); often emotional (how to swim in a MUCH bigger sea of emotion than I was in before); and then there is my body – what does it need?  who do I listen to?  what has happened to it along this journey?

When they all jump into the pool at once, it’s crazy-making.  It makes me feel like every single choice I’ve made in my life is called into question and whether where I am is where I want to be.  I’ve heard about this with people who lose a massive amount of weight – they kind of “bust out” into the life they think they could’ve had.  But the only time that I hear about that being a good thing is when they’ve had people truly putting them down and holding them back while they were heavy.  That’s not my situation.  Like I said WAY back when – they told me before my Gastric Bypass surgery that I would face so much negative from others and would have to stand up for my new-found positive.  I have experienced just the opposite…I have so much of my own negative and only positive from others coming at me.  It’s just silly.  But it’s not, because it’s real.

So, that’s lost.  And then there is found.  And these two things co-exist with each other…maddeningly.  Topic for another blog…I am NOT GOOD at living in the middle.  When I see where I want to go – I want to go there all at once.  My dear friend pointed out that really aren’t we all living in the middle all the time?  To which I cover my ears and holler “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA….NOT LISTENING!!!!!”  Totally adult response, don’t you think?

The found pieces are when I get a bit of perspective and I know (or I REMEMBER) that I truly believe in so many of the choices I have made in my life and that I have lived as openly and mindfully as I can.  Yes, while doing so, I did shove away things that I didn’t want to see, but that doesn’t mean that I was pretending at the rest, does it?  I do have the talents I have and a strong personality that is built on many things including how I “overcame” the things that I struggle with now.  Well, I’ve always struggled with them…I just know it now that the fight has come out into the open.

So, largely, I need to let myself wander between lost and found.  And then, of course, it’s immensely helpful to me to find myself in my reflection from others too.  Sometimes people are so clear about what kind of person I am…sometimes that is hugely comforting and sometimes I want to yell that I’m different now and don’t put me in the old boxes.

Does this mean that I’m living in the middle?  Well, yes.  (THBTT!!!)

And I’ll get my head around things in time – not complete conclusions…but further along in this process or that.  One thing to realize right now is that a rational response has sometimes been moved to the second thing that happens…after the emotional response.  This is new.  This is hard for me.  This is probably whiplash from a clamp-down on some levels of emotion for 20+ years.  This is probably a more human place – though I would like it to be just a little less of a roller coaster, at least more of the time.

Is this all just one more way of saying, “welcome to the human race, Jen!?” Maybe.  I don’t suppose we could have just thrown a housewarming party and called it done?  I could use a new blender.

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Found a Rock

(from December 3rd)

The setting couldn’t be more perfect.  A rough campsite in a bowl of red and gold rocks – that we crossed a small creek to get to – somewhere in the northern part of the Grand Staircase – Escalante National Monument.  Woke before sunrise and walked around with the camera.  Nelson and the dogs are buried under blankets in the camper.  I’ve built a fire and am sitting as close to it as I can, Mac in my lap with full battery.

We’ve been so many places and seen so many beautiful rocks.  We’ve climbed all the
“stairs” of the Grand Staircase – from the Grand Canyon through the Vermillion Cliffs, Zion and Bryce.  Mostly in the car, but some out on foot – like a 6 mile hike today!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m out here to do.  But I’m beginning to think that a to-do list wasn’t the point.  (Really, how many times am I going to learn that lesson!?)  I know that I didn’t come out here to hide, yet I did want to breathe some different air for awhile.  I don’t want to disconnect from all that is going on – rather I want to get some perspective so that I can connect better with the things that are important.  And while I very well may leave pieces of things out here – sadness, anxiety, stress – I’m not looking to get all fixed up before I come back.  That’s not how life works, I’m realizing, and…more…not how I want it to work.  It’s more about how I live with all my pieces.  Those that get left here will simply be because it was time for them to go and there was breath and space to let them.  I don’t want a fresh start on life – I just want to keep living, moving and breathing with the life I have.  I generally like all my pieces and I’ve needed to come back around to that.

I did some Facebook check-ins as we started the trip and I want to do some more.  At first, I felt like I was supposed to turn the phone off for 3 weeks, and that is what everyone expected (and allowed!) as well.  But, I quickly felt that this was not what this trip is about.  It’s connecting differently – kind of on my own terms.  Not disconnecting.   I want this trip to be integral to my life right now.  Not an escape hatch.

So, I’m thinking that I’m out here to be out here.  To have this experience with my partner and our dogs and our car.  To be assaulted by nature over and over again – in the midst of every emotion.  Yesterday, we had a deep and sensitive conversation that kept being broken up by interjections about the horizon and the rocks and the dogs, but the focus was there to keep weaving through.

And all these rocks are my rocks.  A few that I laid on.  Countless ones that I gasped at.  They are all part of this rejuvenation and this rejuvenation is “just” a part of my life.

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It’s Time to Find a Rock

So, you might have noticed the one-liner in the “I’m a Mess” blog that Nelson lost his job.  On October 24th.  Unexpectedly and for nothing he’s done wrong…rather unsavory.  And as we took in that news – on top of this HUGE year for us – we realized that we were rendered pretty much numb.  As our friends found out they each, in their way, kind of stammered around as dumbfounded as we were and just held out their arms kind of helplessly for lack of something to say or do to make it better.  I think we all agree that numb is a fairly reasonable place to be.

Among other complications of being in a job transition – like, say, it’s the holiday season when nothing’s getting done and, larger picture, not anticipating having to look for a job in this early stage of his MTF transition (that’s Male to Female for those who don’t know the lingo yet) – we realized that the planning and leave-saving we had been doing for a longer trip would potentially be wiped out by starting a new job.  And, in a nutshell, we kind of looked at each other and said, “well, we could just leave.”  Not Leave leave, but could we just get out of dodge for awhile?

And, long, boring story of logistics made short – we decided that we could.  Tricky thing this time of year for me, but somehow and largely with the help of all my friends and colleagues who want so much to support us, it has come to be.

So…tonight…after the Vienna Choral Society rehearsal…we release the hounds into our packed car towing a borrowed pop-up trailer and we are heading west.  San Antonio for just quick stop and Thanksgiving with friends.  Tucson for a few days with Nelson’s mom and step-dad.  And then the canyons.  Any canyons that we feel like stopping at for however long we wish to stop at them.  Yes, there are some big conditioners…the dogs, the camping when it’s 11 degrees at night, our food program (which is supposed to be highly restrictive for Nelson…that’s another blog)…but it could all categorized as an adventure and, I do love me an adventure!!  I hear that there are plenty of rocks all different times of the day and I intend to lie on several.  I would like to be “assaulted by nature” and have it take my breath away!

I don’t want to just get away and put time on hold.  I want to leave some things out on those rocks and take some things to soothe and heal me.  I want the ingredients of our car ride to make for a healthy, warm meal for our relationship and not a stagnant pool of feelings.  I would love to feel some energy and clarity take hold and be able to that fresh new breath that has shown itself a few times this year.  I want to not be a control freak – about this trip at least!  Don’t waste time in indecision…just say and do what we want every day that we can.  I want to not worry and go over every word and feeling with a fine-toothed comb.  And that goes for people and things back home too…not casting them aside, but trusting that everything is okay.  And maybe finding a better balance from having disconnected.

I may well write, but if I don’t, I don’t.   You understand, yes?  We are very lucky to be able to go.  There have only been a few tiny times in my life where I have allowed myself to “just keep driving.” We all have that feeling and so rarely can actually do it.  Well, not this time.  This time, I’m driving until I find my rock.  I think there will be a few where we are going!

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Trickle Down Liberation

Last night marriage equality passed on the ballots in Maryland, Maine and we’re hoping in Washington State as well.  I got an email at 1:10am from my dear friend saying, “‘I’m getting married!!!!!???!!!!”  On Monday, another dear friend could hardly contain her awe and joy that she had the opportunity to vote for her right to get married, while, in the same room, a third dear friend pent up her anxiety and didn’t dare hope – the populace had shot down the measure each of the 30 times it had been on a ballot in the past.

When I read the news on waking up this morning, I had this huge sense that the tide of the world is truly shifting.  I have believed this in theory – we’ve overcome inequality for blacks and for women and I have believed it to be hopefully inevitable that it will continue…for LGBTs, for hispanics…that all the yelling from those who are against is so loud because they are losing the fight.  But this morning is different.  This morning proves that the world moves when enough people are ready and when that happens, it doesn’t matter that some aren’t ready yet.  Growin’ and Changin’ as my friend is so fond of saying.

Growin’ and changin’ happens even when I don’t feel ready…in fact, one could argue that I’m struggling to keep up – working in the wake of growth and change that was so ready to happen that it already has.  I’ve been wrapped up in my cocoon trying desperately to learn how to grow up a little more, how to change in some ways, how to hold on to myself as that happens…thinking that I’m needing to figure out how to lead the charge.  Perhaps it’s the other way around and I’m really negotiating the waves that were created by being in the wake of a huge tide of change.  Damn it!    How many CEOs and world leaders do we love to laugh at for being out of touch know-it-alls!  They are so wrapped up in keeping their position and their loyalties and their sense of power that they are not only afraid to change, but they don’t even realize how far the world how moved beyond them because they haven’t changed.

The tide of the world shifted yesterday.  Despite the nay-sayers and the sniping political ads – and also with the enormous effort and enormous love of many hard-working people.  The liberation feels like a deep, calm shift to me – I know that’s strange and I’m sure that it was not a calm night for so many folks…but where I am, waking up to the news and having been in my cocoon, it sends a message that we’re walking through change and we are growing even when we are blinded to it.  The phrase that comes to mind is”trickle down liberation”…which amuses me greatly!

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I’m a Mess!!

Both physically and metaphysically!!  YAY!  This is very good news!  Let me ‘splain:

PHYSICALLY

I’ve known I’ve was a mess for over a year now but, according to my many doctor visits, I was CRAZY.  “Nope!  All the numbers say that you are the healthiest you’ve ever been and couldn’t be medically healthier!   When you’re feeling shaky or woozy – you should just buck up and barrel through!”  Really?  There have been times this year when I have been on the floor because I can’t stand up and times that I couldn’t put two thoughts together if my life depended on it.  My energy that has been nearly boundless even at 320 lbs has left me for a lump of jello in the space of 5 minutes.  And, by the way, for most of my life I have been the poster child of buck-up-and-barrel-through.  I know how to do that.  I COULDN’T DO THAT.  Now, it’s true that I also have some crazy going on…we’ll save that for the next section on the metaphysical…and it’s true that stress can play a huge hand in physical distress, but I have known for a long time now that there is more to the picture.  Back in January and February, I was actively begging for them to find a tumor or SOMETHING that we could work with.

Last Tuesday, I went to the Roselle Center for Healing seeking a more holistic approach to nutrition.  Seeking for someone to say those three little words that are so important…”in your circumstance.”  That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a magic pill or to avoid the pillars of science and nutrition…just simply for someone to look at MY history and MY symptoms and MY circumstances and help me find approaches to food and health that fit what I need.  I have been steeped in nutrition and weight loss for 25 years.  I can plug my own numbers into the cookie cutter database and have it spit out how many calories I need in a day.  That tells me NOTHING about how my body reacts to carbs vs. protein when I hit a low, how my gastric bypass totally F’s up my absorption of nutrients, how…you know what?  I think I need a separate blog for this rant…

ANYWAY, from the start, the Roselle Center was different. Cue #1 – on their intake form, they have a question that asks, “what do you think is wrong?”  I took in a 4-page document that I’d put together a couple months ago that I thought would help a nutritionist meet me where I am.  A summary of my weight gain and loss, an overview of my last year of symptoms, a summary of my current activity level and approach to food, a list of specific questions.  Oh yes, and my legal-size-paper spreadsheet of my bloodwork vitals going back to 1989.  The last nutritionist said “oh, thank you” when I handed this to her and put it behind her.  Sue Roselle said, “this is perfect!” and dove in – quickly and efficiently going through and pulling out the information that she needed…which, not coincidentally, were exactly the pieces that I thought were the most important!  She hacked and slashed through my bloodwork results pulling out indicators of concern that no one has ever mentioned.  Phrases like this one were typical…”Yes, this [insert nutrient name here] value is technically in the normal range, though it’s lower than I’d like to see it…but in your circumstances it’s alarmingly low and it indicates that nutrients related to it are likely deficient.”  And that was just considering the gastric bypass.  She went through the factors…a gastric bypass surgery, a highly restrictive Medifast diet (to lose the last 50 lbs), a major reconstructive surgery that I’m just really in phase 2 of the recovery and that requires different nutrition, a solid year of high emotional stress, the fact that I am peri-menopausal and a few more.  Any one of these, she said, would be cause for concern given my numbers, and I have layered them on like a club sandwich and it’s no damn wonder that I haven’t felt good for a year!!

So…she concluded…I’m definitely a mess.  Pretty much a body in nutritional crisis.  BUT, we have all the tools we need and all of it can be turned around!  THIS.  THIS I CAN WORK WITH!!!!

By the way…Nelson goes in tomorrow for his initial work over (and me for a follow up).  She is going to have a HAY DAY with him!  Between his food allergies (to all but 4 foods in the WHOLE WORLD) and the hormone replacement therapy.  HAY.  DAY.  And when she learns that a MTF transitions is also part of what we’re going through along with everything else – not to mention that he lost his job the day after I saw her last week – she is going to give me a look that says, “You are a mess.”  And I am going to look back with “I KNOW!!!!!!!”

METAPHYSICALLY

Also a mess.  As you know, really.  But the more I see it, sometimes, the more I realize that railing against it only makes me more of a mess. If I can say things to myself like, “okay, so you are [insert emotion here].  That’s okay.” Or if I can recognize that the 15-year-old is on the scene and say, “what’s up, little girl?” rather than actually act out.  These reactions help the negativity pass through me and out.  But often (and very often lately) I do the first part of recognizing the emotion or the petulance and then I take that and get angry or scared or anxious that I’m feeling that way or acting in a way that I don’t want to act…and instantaneously double the anxiety.

Here’s the simple statement.  We are all a mess at times.  I’ve just spent my life up to this past year ignoring that.  And now, I’m paying that price.  I’m gathering up all the messy places of my teens, my twenties and I’m sure my thirties are in here somewhere – and I’m seeing them for the first time.  Yes, they need some attention and some processing, but really not so much sometimes!

Alex (my life-long friend) and I used to use the image of taking these gremlins out from behind us – where they were lurking and poking and generally mucking about – pulling them around in front and saying, “I see you.”  I used to picture telling them to sit in the corner in front of me where I could see what they were doing.  And that does work sometimes…it’s my metaphor for actively recognizing and processing something.  And, many gremlins just don’t like to be seen – so they go away or calm down just for doing this.  However, I need to add a step. SOME gremlins – either right when you pull them around front or once they’ve been in their corner for the appropriate amount of time – need to be shown the door.  Creating a play space for them – no matter how visible – invites them to get comfortable again.

Is this saying to buck up and barrel through?  Sort of.  But not because there is nothing wrong.  Not because I’m not a mess.  Because I AM a mess sometimes.  Life is messy.  And the only way out is through.  That is also something I can work with.

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The Girl in the Woman

It’s become very clear to me that I am currently living as both a 15 and a 41 year old woman at the same time.  I’m not going to say I’ve regressed because I truly believe that I have not yet been through this stage of development – I’m visiting it for the first time in many ways!

I knew when I started this blog that talking about the “Girl in the Mirror” was the right way to put it.  I’m not sure I could have said why, exactly, but folks have asked why I’m saying girl and, I think, concerned that I’m not giving myself credit as a grown woman.  I actually see it as somewhat the opposite.  As I shoved away painful parts of adolescence – namely, my weight and the whole world of attraction and relationship – I seized on growing up quickly in other areas.  I was a rock-solid friend and emotional pillar.  I developed a leadership style, a work ethic, a cultural outlook.  In my 20s, I fell up the career ladder at the University of Maryland.  I taught an honors class in leadership and developed a full set of consulting and facilitation skills.  I looked at the world of opera and made decisions to go in my own direction, lining up with my own way of contributing to the world.  I got a grip on my finances, well, after graduate school!   I paid attention to retirement savings.  I am the worldly friend.  The wise friend.  The one with great advice and, oh, so balanced.  I give myself plenty of credit as a woman.

I have not ever given the 15 year old any credit and barely any time to do the things that 15 year olds do.  I have not flailed around in the throws of emotion.  I have not acted impulsively or selfishly.  I have not felt lost or naive or innocent or incompetent.  There was no sowing of wild oats.  There was not even a casual scattering of oats.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I was decidedly in denial that I was in possession of any oats.

So, imagine my surprise when this hurt and confused 15-year-old comes roaring out of me a year ago and starts demanding and flailing around in my perfectly crafted 41-year-old life.  At first, I shoved and ridiculed and railed against her.  I didn’t give her any credit or any time.  But she was not going to be denied.  And it was my veil of control and maturity that made it impossible for her to be heard.  So she had to shout…at me and, through me, at the people that I love.  And she wreaked havoc on my body and on my heart.  And she got her way.  And I, the 41-year-old, have had to try to make sense of the mess that she made, live my adult life as best as can through it all, and find ways for her to be here and have a voice while she needs it.  So, my current thinking is that it’s best to be in conversation with this 15-year-old rather than at war with her.  My parents probably have some fabulous advice about that.

About when I was 15 (or somewhere in there), I pulled a chair out from under Amy Wellington – a girl that I was becoming friends with.  It was a stupid prank and meant to be funny and, instead, I found that I had been hurtful and mean.  Amy (and her parents) were angry and our friendship stopped there.  I was so confused that it had happened that way – and dismayed and sorry.  And I didn’t really have words (except to apologize) to explain why I thought it would be funny.  It certainly seemed ridiculous when I went to explain it.  These are things that 15-year-olds do.  And it’s way harder to find myself in the same position as a grown woman without words (except sorry) to explain how I pulled the chair out from underneath us.  But I understand that my 15-year-old needs to go through some awkward, insecure, flailing stages.  Everyone needs to go through their stages or they won’t ever fully grow.  And I understand that not having things so perfectly, maturely, wrapped up is a much more authentic (and, actually…MATURE, by definition) way to live.

That doesn’t mean that it’s any easier…and especially on the days when I don’t really LIKE my 15-year-old self.  I think, however, that I’ve heard many many parents say how much they love their teenagers even on the days that they don’t like them.  And she does need a whole heap of love right now.  And I’ve got to be first in line to give it.

 

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Too Many Thoughts, Too Little Time

Hello!  Hello!!  The longer I go without writing a blog, the more impossible it feels to choose what to write about!  Not that there is a dearth of topics, oh nay nay!

One thing that I am seeing more clearly lately is how emotional energy really does directly correlate to any other kind of energy.  There has been so much focus over the last 10-12 months on so many huge, personal and interpersonal emotional transitions and sometimes I can really see how that’s just as demanding as physical work – especially when it comes to what I feel I have time and energy for beyond that.  And…I’m completely willing to give that emotional energy…I’d just like to do two things.  1)  recognize that it’s a factor in not having energy for other things sometimes and 2)  keep my feelers out for things that can be let go once they’ve been worried or pondered into oblivion.

This past weekend, N. and I freed up a few pieces of emotional energy and that ease translated immediately into being able to make the final few decisions we needed to start a new eating/exercise plan.  No coincidence, I’m sure!

Yes, there is a topic…moving from a life-long diet mentality to the needed guidelines of healthy living, minor course correction and maintenance.  One of those things that conceptualizing is a poor substitute for actually experiencing!

And another topic…the way that I balance “I” and “We” mentality.  My therapist put it this way…there are “I” people and “we” people.  Think of the forest or the tree.  Some folks are SO much an “I” person that they can’t see beyond even a single leaf.  Some are primarily focused on their personal tree.  Some balance the forest and the tree.  Then there is me.  I believe the term she used was “Mega-We.”  This is a fascinating lens to look through!  I do largely like my we mentality and I think it’s very much a core of who I am.  However, I would like to have the “I” more woven in, rather than grasped at with juvenile rebelliousness once it’s built up a need.  Just a small topic there, don’t you think?

Random topic – things that happen when you make a sudden change to the proportion of your body:

  • parking a car is no longer possible.  Yup, as a direct result of surgery, I can no longer turn my car into a parking spot between the lines.  This was never a problem.
  • long-distance driving.  I don’t know if it’s a different sitting posture or the tailbone thing or the sciatic nerve or what – but I’ve got to figure it out!
  • not having a good place to rest my hands…used to stay on my hips!  But they go now to my new favorite place…the flat where the pelvis meets the legs.
  • foward-motion.  I can run forward and back with so much more speed and agility!  Someday soon I will win a racquetball game!

One thing that does not change with body proportion:  I am not a Victoria Secret customer!  I mean, get over yourself with the 4 different kinds of tissue paper and the names of things!  I think I tried on the exquisite, the beautiful, the stunning, the gorgeous, the very lovely, the very very lovely…I’m not kidding!!  I found one (ONE!) that I wanted to consider.  The name of it?  The balconet.  That’s right.  Dictionary.com defines that word for us:  a railing or balustrade before a window, giving the effect of a balcony.  Why, I believe that was precisely what I was looking for, Victoria!  I would like to purchase a $50 purple piece of silk that makes me feel like a sexy, voluptuous, oh, what’s the word…balustrade!!!

And one more topic…lately I’ve realized that I feel like I’m waiting most all the time.  Waiting for N’s transition to show us the next steps (not to mention waiting to know what the whole thing is going to feel and look like!)  Waiting for us to get through the rough patches of this past year.  Waiting to get to places that I hope for.  I think that feeling like I’m waiting makes all the things that I do now feel more like transient, treading-water things.  It robs me of just living my life and all it’s moments.  So, I’m going to try and think differently about that.

There!  A Smorgasbord of topics and updates for you!  What should I dive into?

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Glimpses

Just a small observation for tonight, though I know it’s been too long since I’ve blogged!

I’ve mentioned before that I think we work in glimpses.  Glimpses of what the future could be.  Glimpses of what’s inside us.

Tonight I caught a glimpse of my wife.  I saw how possible it is for her to all that she wants to be and how it might be to be with HER.

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Adventure = Life

I believe that my sense of adventure is one of the things that is most precious to me.  I’ve always had it and as I’ve grown older, it’s widened to include littler moments than the grand romantic notions and far-fetched road trips.  Not to say I don’t love those!!  Anything from taking off to find Ohio’s famous Grandpa’s Cheese Barn (even though it was 100 miles out of the way) to taking 3 days to cook a formal French dinner for a French professor and her State-Dept.-Official-husband when my best friend and I didn’t know thing one about French cooking.  Countless camping trips, excursions that revel in getting lost first, racing the car through my hometown (sorry, Mom – no harm done!)

I love it still more whenI have the adventure perspective on little moments  – my hair adventure, a trip to the farmer’s market or…like today…a quest for Paw Paws!!  I was introduced to the Paw Paw just yesterday as a friend identified them along the Potomac.  They look like green potatoes and taste like banana custard inside.  You have to find them  yourself and use them because they are very perishable – but they are supposedly delicious and have all sorts of laudable qualities!  So, this morning, the dogs and I set off to see if we could find some.  We easily found a Paw Paw Paradise in the Potomac riverbank park closest to our house and I had a great time shaking the trees and trying to dodge the ripe Paw Paw cannonballs while the dogs romped in the river.  Brought home a basket full and spent a part of the afternoon making Paw Paw custard and Paw Paw cookies.  Awesome!

I realized, as I drove home from the outing, that it felt like my sense of adventure had returned…and that it had been away.  Yes, this summer and this past many months have been huge and full, challenging, enlightening and many things…but I’ve not had the perspective of adventure that I love.  When I felt that today, I both missed it terribly (as though I had to feel that active sense of missing) even as I was happy and relieved to have it back!!

It’s a sense that I want about me often – through big things like Nelson’s transition and my journey with my new body – through little things that break up the routine – maybe even about how I face routine!  A little bit too optimistic, perhaps, but worth the moments that the perspective takes hold!

It fits in with my “no more normal” language stance.  Wikipedia’s definition of Adventure reads, “An adventure is defined as an exciting or unusual experience; it may also be a bold, usually risky undertaking, with an uncertain outcome.”  It’s not the risk that I’m focused on in this post though sometimes the risk is certainly a part of the fun!  It’s looking at any given experience as potentially exciting and unusual…read unique.  And the uncertain outcome is paramount to going with the flow and staying present.  Of COURSE, really, anything has an uncertain outcome no matter how certain you are!

So, that’s my two cents for today!  It’s time for a Paw Paw cookie!