Tag Archives: wonderment

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All Growed Up

I would like to revisit a concept that I have been using since starting this blog – that I have somehow been transported to another age/stage of life…a baby woman, a 15-year old, a Pollyanna.  I have used all of these terms to describe how I feel at times – flailing about, being emotionally hormonal, being naive/ignorant/innocent/inexperienced…and so forth.  And it’s very true that I have encountered many new things – some that others go through in younger years of their life – and I’ve had a roller coaster of reactions and buckets of knowledge to acquire.  

There’s a phrase: “nothing’s out of order” which I generally like when I hear it.  It usually is a little calming, though it sometimes strikes me as being very unfair!  The truth is, though, that if some things had happened differently, then everything would be different and there’s no saying better or worse.  

I have spent a lot of time being so harsh about my sense of self – criticizing what I didn’t see earlier, feeling shame that I couldn’t handle my emotions better, even blaming my strengths for covering up my weaknesses – kind of even trying to turn them into weaknesses themselves!  (Eek…that one just came up on me…how’s that for a new lens!!?)

When I’ve encountered places where I feel so young, I haven’t allowed that to be a positive (or normal!) thing at all.  My whole life, I’ve been that person who believes that looking competent and put together was the path to actually being competent.  (It’s a valid style of learning – if you stay open to the learning part – which I feel that I mostly have.)  I’ve come across many counters to that in the past couple years.  Seeing times when showing vulnerability allows people to come closer and respond more.   The classic case of when saying “I don’t know” opens doors to knowing that weren’t there before.  Or where allowing time and space results in better, calmer actions. 

I’m learning that everyone feels young (or the equivalent) at times through their lives or, if they don’t, they don’t grow in places that they could.  That perhaps I should not only expect to have times when I don’t know what to do and am feeling “new,” but to open up to them and look for the opportunity.  Or maybe not even look for opportunity and be all efficient-like, maybe just say “I don’t know” and let it go!!  Perhaps sometimes a “research phase” or a spreadsheet or hours of agonizing conversation actually get in my way!!  

Whoa.  

Now, don’t quote me on this – it’s an unproven theory.  I shall have to research it.

Okay, so that’s the reframing of the young.  Now, let’s talk about the grown-up.  See…I *AM* one.  And, more, I am a grown woman.  I have been a woman for almost 42 years – I should know something about it .  And I have been working with this body for all of those years.  Maybe not always successfully, maybe not always liking it, maybe with it shrouded in fat that then shrouded other pieces of me in turn.  

I am also an “all in” grown woman.  I have rarely shrunk from something that I believed in.  I have lived to my fullest as best as I’ve known how.  Yes, some big and significant layers have opened up on me here.  OOooooo!!!!  You know what that is?!!  In good gamer terms, that’s leveling up!  Holy crap, I just leveled up!  

Whoa.

And now, I am struggling to find my footing.  The struggle is not to get back to being all in, the struggle is BECAUSE I *am* all in.  If I weren’t, I wouldn’t struggle so much and so mightily.  I’m gradually realizing that I know more than it feels like I do.  I can trust myself and I can trust my strengths because they ARE my strengths.  I can be a baby lesbian.  I can be a yellow-belt martial-artist or a beginning rock-climber.  I can be a new, more deeply emotional creature. AND I can be a powerful, all-in, grown woman.

Oh dear…considering the subject matter and titles of my last couple blogs…I’m sorry to say that the upcoming closing line is simply inevitable…

I am woman.  Hear me ROAR!!!

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ROAR!

Tiger Cat Roar

So…it’s taken me a day or so, but I’ve finally processed my reaction to my experience with the Psychiatrist on Wednesday.  With many thanks for all of your indignation on my behalf!!!

And thanks to Tim who also gave me more permission than I gave myself to have a process of realizing my feelings, rather than have the benefit of hindsight or being on the outside of the experience like all of you who read it.

I may not roar often – in fact, looking at Wednesday, I did what I often do lately – tunneled those feelings down into anxiety and sadness.  It feels really healthy to do a little roaring.  I aspire to be the tiger in this picture and am perhaps closer to the cat…but here I go:

Question A – If he didn’t know anything about “homos” (really?  Have I really been so lucky to not encounter that language much at all in my life and certainly not directed at me…maybe I really have, anyway…) – how is it that he could so quickly come back with knowing that same sex marriages weren’t legal in VA, but they were in DC and MD?  Awfully well-versed for being ignorant of an entire spectrum of people.

Point 1 – Taking care of me is a challenge for me.  Especially when taking care of someone I love is another option.  He is not someone I love.  I do not need to take care of him by giving him the benefit of the doubt, educating him or excusing him.  Even if he WERE someone that I love, his handling of my situation was not okay.  I actually believebelieve that it’s not okay in the big philosophical view of the world.  But it’s DEFINITELY not okay for me.  Period end.  (As Sohini would say).
Point 2 – I could just let it go.  That’s a good start.  I could also take some action – that’s even better!  Anything from – call to ask if they have anyone on staff who is familiar with LGBT issues.  Call to complain.  Call my primary care office to let them know about my experience with their recommended practitioner.
Point 3 – I haven’t been very forthcoming in this blog about my own coming out process over the last couple years.  Haven’t felt that I could really go there with everything else that was going on.  And carrying worry about what you all would think and how you would correlate that with Nicole’s transition.  Well – granted I’m sneaking this in in point 3  – but I’m kinda done with that.  I’m trying to figure out who I am.  I’ve had some big revelations of my own and I’m trying to figure out how to own all my pieces.  One of them is a love for women.  I’m generally not racing out to wrap myself in rainbow flags, but I’m telling you – I will hoist that flag in this situation on behalf of my partner AND for my own damn self!!
Especially given the continuation of the story…I called today to ask if they had any psychiatrists on the staff who were familiar with LGBT issues.  The front desk didn’t know and said that I would have to talk to the intake person who was more familiar with the doctors.  I left a message for her.  When she called back (and left a message), she said that she had never heard of this L..G…G…L…B…T…whatever I was talking about.  She didn’t know if any of the doctors had worked there but she would ask and find out.  I called back, leaving a message, and I did choose to refrain from actually saying…”ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” but instead backed down to a growl (for now) and said, “I just want to clarify with you that LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered” and is the widely accepted acronym for that spectrum of people.  It’s something that I want my doctors to be familiar with if they are going to work with me or anyone else on issues of anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder and so forth.”  See?  I don’t think I’ve reached tiger status yet.  At least can we rate me as more than a “meow?”  Please?  I’m trying here!
If I get the chance to talk to her, I’ll definitely say that it’s not okay for an entire practice of psychiatric professionals in the suburbs of the Nation’s Capital to be ignorant of that acronym.  It’s not okay on a lot of levels.  If they carried a bias or were unwilling to work with “us,” that would suck, but would be almost easier to deal with.  I would understand that better than being ignorant of it.  Not in an urban area.  Not in a psych profession.  And that leads me to think that both the doctor and the practice are being deliberately, willfully ignorant and placing the onus on me to try and make that okay.
Guess what?  It’s not okay!  And…I am okay.  Moreso than Wednesday!
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Sink or Swim

I came across this photo on Facebook several weeks ago and it somehow went right to the center of me…

Is it liberation?  Is it panic?  Is she roaring or screaming?  Is it refreshing or stressful?  My gut says that it is joyful, exhilarating.  And there is something desperate about it too.

That’s a little dramatic for a summary of me – but not totally inaccurate.  I’m doing pretty well at living in the middle (between everything and nothing), avoiding big rabbit holes, setting my goals for a different summer, going with the flow.  Sometimes it doesn’t FEEL like I’m doing this well.  Take yesterday.  I actually achieved a fairly ideal mix yesterday – healthy food shopping and preparation, mostly healthy eating, good exercise, a chunk of work that needed to get done and even an hour spent with my music and writing.  I mean – that is exactly the mix that I want!  And yet, I felt pretty crummy and down.  Just one of those days I guess, but really hard to explain and, especially in the case of my partner, impossible for me to say what would help to make me feel better, which she is trying so hard to do.  Which stresses her out.  Which makes me feel crummier.

It didn’t help AT ALL that I had a first appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday morning that was…well…nearly traumatic!  I’m only going to get the right guidance/management for an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication and so decided to just go to the practice that my family doctor recommends and is in my insurance plan.  I have a good therapist for my real talking!!  I kind of knew from the moment that I set foot in the place that I didn’t like it there.  The reception staff all looked non-plussed and kind of miserable themselves.  Then…gosh, it’s hard to describe the actual doctor encounter…not only did he have NO knowledge or experience with anything related to transgender…I’m not sure he’d encountered even a lesbian or gay patient ever and the concept was, frankly, too difficult for him to grasp.  It started right up front with those basic questions of where do you live and who do you live with – before we even got asking directly why I was there!  Let me see if I can recreate the feel of it:

“Who do you live with?”

“My partner.  <pause>  My husband who has recently become my wife.  She is transgendered.”

“You said ‘she’ – are you a …<awkward pause>…homo?  How do you say?”

[this is where I seriously considered just getting up a quickly leaving]

“Yes, I said she – she’s well into a male-to-female transition.”

“So, what is your relationship?”

“We’re married.  Have been married for almost 8 years.”

“OH!!!  But, this is Virginia – same sex couples can’t get married.  Did you get married in DC or Maryland?”

“We weren’t a same sex couple when we got married.  We were husband and wife. Technically, according to the state, we aren’t a same sex couple now either…so, we’re married and got married in Virginia.”

I’m still not sure that he comprehended this at all.  Later, he said he had “maybe heard of this transexual thing” but I think he maybe hadn’t!!  How is it POSSIBLE for a working psychiatrist to not have heard of this?!!  I understand not have worked with it, but not actually understanding that it exists?  Anyway, moving on to the next part – which wasn’t any more fun.

He asked me why I was there.  I already knew that I did NOT really want to get into much with him – in fact, I wanted to say that I was there for medication management, cite that I had a good therapist for the actual emotional content and stick out my hand for the prescription.  Actually, I guess that’s nearly what I ended up saying – just refrained from sticking out my hand!  I started my response by saying that there were a lot of changes going on in my life and that I had been struggling with high anxiety and some depression.  He asked me to tell him about the anxiety.  I tried a brief sentence of context – just mentioning that, in addition to the transition, I had been navigating a host of emotional and physical responses to massive weight loss – but he cut me off and said – just tell me the symptoms of your anxiety.  So, I clinically summed up myself this way:

“I cry a lot.  I get stuck in worries about the future and, well, everything really.  I used to shake a lot.  I’ve had a lot of dizziness, which we’ve been investigating through a lot of medical tests and probably is some combination of stress and my response to a lot of anesthesia from my reconstructive surgery last summer.  There is probably also some nutritional deficiency from the weight loss.”

At this point he interrupts me to tell me how a gastric bypass works and that it does affect the absorption of nutrients.  No.  Shit.  Sherlock.

ANYWAY – in the end, after the necessary questions about suicide, violent tendencies and hearing voices in my head, he had one helpful moment of telling me that this was clearly what they would call an “adjustment disorder” and could be very effectively helped by the therapy I was already doing and a low dose of medication (which he promised was one that did not promote weight gain) and would certainly resolve once the adjustments settled down.  Which I believe is very true.  He gave me the prescription.  And, of course but unfortunately, I will have to follow up with him on that occasionally.

ANYWAY AGAIN – I guess I wasn’t able to really put that whole experience in the trash where it belongs.  And I spent a good part of the day avoiding rabbit holes.

I do feel like this tiger a lot – or what I perceive in the picture.  No…scratch that…I feel like I’m in the moment before this happens.  I’m neither bursting out in liberation or panic, but I desperately want to!  I’m afraid of both.  I’m WAY too well managed for my own health and well-being. I’ll just keep looking at her.  I’m sure she is in a joyful moment.  I’m sure of it!  And I’m working on mine.

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My Me List

I have collected many tools, ideas and mantras over these past many months.  Things to live by, internal post-it notes to help me out, lessons and insights.  Life has been so complicated and moved so quickly, that it seems I’ve barely had time to reach a conclusion or insight before the next layer peals back or the next challenge is upon me.  I haven’t had a chance to get these helpful things incorporated into my thinking.  And, when I stumble upon a rabbit hole, I don’t have them at my fingertips yet to help me out.  SO…in an effort to keep them around, I’m trying some good, old-fashioned memory techniques, including this blog…write it out.

Here’s my running list:

  • Relax
  • Reinvest
  • Enjoy love, life and friendship
  • Be blessed.  Be lucky.
  • Feel sexy.
  • Feel health.
  • Allow room.
  • Allow fluctuation.
  • Trust yourself.
  • Remember where you have come from.
  • Look forward to what you want.
  • Enjoy our home (dogs included!!)
  • Enjoy my work.
  • Use my personality.
  • Dont be afraid of my strengths.
  • Admit and be gentle with my weaknesses.
  • Lessen the intensity sometimes.
  • Follow my instincts (sometimes?)
  • Wonder!!!!
  • Choose my risks.
  • Choose my battles.
  • Write.
  • Sing.
  • Go dancing.
  • Cook.
  • Follow momentum.
  • Protect healing.
  • Go with what works.
  • Listen to my body.
  • Don’t trace everything back.
  • Don’t analyze everything!
  • Find breath.
  • Calm the inner dialogue.
  • Pause.
  • Let feelings happen.
  • Let thoughts and feeling pass through.
  • Live in the middle.
  • Take space for myself.
  • Give space to others.
  • Trust time.
  • Don’t give away every thought.  Keep some with just me for awhile.
  • Remember that I am the only one who will ever fully know me.
  • Lift my face – in any weather.
  • Keep love simple.

I’ll let you know when I have more additions.  In the meantime…surely there are things on this list to help any given moment.  I think I need to copy it (maybe by hand!!) several times and stash it in various places.  Yes, I think I shall become a scribe for a little while.

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A Gift of a Day

(Written starting Friday, April 19th)

I didn’t know that today would be a big day.  I didn’t expect to be handed an outcome that both assures and explains and, because it does, allows me to let go in big, big ways!  I thought I would receive information…not this gift!!!  Here’s the scoop:

I had my follow-up with Neurology today.  The last follow-up with the last specialist – at least in this first big round of exploration.  The only specialist that had concerns to pursue and in the field of specialty that I considered the most intimidating.  We did three procedures after the initial consultation – an MRI of my brain, an in-office EEG and a 48-hr EEG.  The 48-hour EEG was supposed to happen only if we didn’t find anything on the in-office one, but then it happened because they did find some unusual activity and needed to get more information.

SO…Both the MRI and the 48-hr EEG were clean and boring – good thing!  Between these two, we rule out all the scary things – tumors, seizures, strokes, MS, etc.  The in-office EEG does confirm that I am “extra sparky” – or, more technically, I have unexplained excess impulses happening at times in my brain – primarily the left hemisphere.  The 48-hr EEG needed to confirm that the extra sparks were not indicative of seizure activity and did confirm that they clearly aren’t.  They know this particularly because there was no evidence of those extra impulses when I was sleeping, which is when the brain is the most vulnerable to them.  So, yes…I have some unusual brain activity, but we are not worried about this and it’s not overly rare.  Very similar outcome to the Echocardiogram that found several extra heart beats, but not enough to be at all worried about.  My joke to my UUCR choir last night – I have heart and brain to spare…now if I can just find extra courage I’ll be able to do the Wizard of Oz as a one-woman show!

It’s at this point that every other specialist has said, “sorry, I can’t help you.  There’s nothing here to explore.”  Which has been good news, but not satisfying news – because these symptoms and episodes were happening and worsening at times and that just didn’t jive!

I have been preparing myself to hear this same thing from neurology and trying to get to a place where I could accept that all that has happened was both unexplainable and perhaps entirely the effects of stress.  That was going to be a tough pill to swallow, though, given that this all started with a very physical event and that the symptoms have seemed to progressively worsen even though my stress level was improving and my management of it getting better.  Turns out that the neurologist (Dr. Ruben Cintron, who you’ll hear more about!) had a sequence of possibilities in mind from the initial consultation and needed to go through this ruling out process first.  Having done that, there are a couple different possible and plausible explanations that can account for pretty much everything that has happened/is happening.  Not another brick wall!

First, some new language (for me, anyway) – he believes that this is an “insult-related” condition.  Think of insult like injury – but it doesn’t have to be a physical trauma…it’s a negative event.  That means it’s not a condition or disease that is progressive or systemic.  He described two events that he thinks have had lasting effects and then agreed that stress has likely been a 3rd event that has exacerbated the other two.  So…in order…

Over April to October of 2011 I lost about 60 lbs on the Medifast diet.  This is considered both massive and rapid.  It was a fully supervised, condoned and balanced program, but that’s not really here nor there now.  Dr. Cintron considers this “insult number one” – massive, rapid weight loss will change body chemistry and stamina and physicality in big ways and will take quite a period of adjustment.  It’s also very likely that I developed some deficiencies.  We’ve been trying to prove that since I first went into my primary care with significant dizziness in October of 2011, but Dr. Cintron says that it’s not surprising that we wouldn’t find evidence of them.  Many deficiencies won’t show up in bloodwork since the bigger issue is whether the nutrients are getting from the blood into the brain – ya know, absorption.  You will recall that, having had a gastric bypass surgery in 2006, I already don’t absorb things normally.  My physicians and nutritionists knew this, but it’s just so possible that this plays a factor as well.  Even if it didn’t, the Medifast weight loss alone left my body in a more vulnerable state with a long adjustment period and, likely, with deficiencies that caused the original dizziness.

As you know, the weight loss itself uncovered significant body and emotional issues and sent me down a stressful, psychological spiral.  Stress like I’ve never experienced before.  We can be sure that this didn’t help anything and further compromised my physical state.

The second distinct insult was my reconstructive surgery last June and, more specifically, 11 hours under anesthesia.  This was already a potential game-changer for my body chemistry and added on top of the weakened state, can easily explain the additional symptoms that started to happen after that surgery – sudden fatigue, mental fogginess and, later on, the near-fainting spells.  I know I’ve heard that the affects of anesthesia can last for months – even years.  Well, that’s true.  And it means that the “damage” that was done to me could not only take 12-18 months to heal, but could have been progressive over these past many months since the surgery – getting worse before it gets better.

So, in short – a one-two punch of a weakened physical and chemical state from weight loss and anesthesia exacerbated by stress.  That’s explanation number one and could incorporate every single symptom that I have experienced.  Treatment is time, nourishment, stress management and minimizing exposure to anesthesia especially out to 18 months past my surgery last summer.  Prognosis is just fine – we should expect improvement and we have ruled out any irreversible damage.

Then, there is a possible other condition/complicator.  Many of my symptoms and a more recent one that I hadn’t written about yet (some visual disturbance – clear, jagged shapes that kind of crystallize my vision – has happened twice this past week…remember I’ve been very sick and was very tired both times) – are classic symptoms of  acephalgic and ocular migraines…in other words….migraines without the headaches!!

Dr. Cintron says it’s possible that my body has decided to explore some migraine activity here in my early 40s.  Doesn’t mean that I’ll have migraine headaches or worsening symptoms or consistent symptoms.  I might experience that or I might have some more of what I’ve experienced already or I might not – we’ll have to monitor some of that.  He would be interested in some neuro-psychological testing, but not right now.  He believes that I’ll feel better over the next few months and would wait until then unless I didn’t feel better and we thought I had hit a plateau.

So…SO!!!!  This means many things!

  • It means that we have BOTH answers and assurance that “not much” is wrong.
  • It means that neurology is the specialty to stay with AND it’s not a big, bad specialty AND I happen to have an amazing neurology practice that I’m working with.  Timeout for a plug:  Dr. Ruben Cintron and his practice, Neuroscience Consultants in Reston is about the most amazing medical experience that I have ever had.  Every single person I’ve worked with has been fantastic.  So kind, so patient, so knowledgable and willing to spend time and really dig in.  I couldn’t be more impressed or more grateful!
  • It means that we can seriously lower the freak-out factor when something happens.  I can respond (slow down, rest, eat, something) but we don’t have to panic about what’s happening and what it means.
  • It means that I have answers that make sense, which allows me to both stop this exhausting exploration and lay to rest many things about the last many, many months.
  • This means that I can concentrate on getting better by investing in what’s next, figuring out what relaxing and balancing energy means to me (which, we know has been an ongoing process – but this enlightens it some), deciding what is good, normal nourishment for me, and settling in for awhile.
  • This means that “Sparky” is an apropos, medically condoned new nickname!

What a huge day!!  What a huge gift!!  I’m not totally healthy, but I’m not in danger and I’m recovering.  These physical and emotional stresses are very real and very much a part of everything that has happened, but just a part.  It’s been a complicated time.  Had you gathered that?

I have many other things that I’m thinking about now and I’ve been so in my head while I’ve been out sick, but we’ll leave that for another day.  For now, I want to just really appreciate and spend time with this gift that I’ve been given.  Soak it in and look at it from different angles and relish the freeing up of stress and worry that has been hanging over me.  I see that so clearly now that it is lifting!!

I invite you to lift your worry for me too and accept this gift.  Let’s unfurl our brows and put a hold on the diagnostic research.  Not because we’re desperate for this answer but because we’ve been given answer enough to make sense – pretty much without exception!  I feel that I can trust this doctor and this practice and they and I have our eyes open.  If I don’t show improvement or if things shift – we are so aware now and have good resources around us!  That’s definitely a bridge to cross only if we come to it.

And, besides, I have enough to do between figuring out this “relax” thing and jumping back into my creative work!  That’s where I want to focus my time and energy.  And that’s what I want to engage with my community on.  That and just being here.  With you.  Or maybe just being.  That will be hard work for me!!

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Between Everything and Nothing

This blog is definitely one of those where I need to write my way into wherever it is that I need to go.  It’s been a long, long few weeks – mostly in radio silence here, I know!  Before winging off to the Austro-Hungarian Empire, I wrote a lot about being present – staying in the here and now.  And, as I went into and through my trip, I talked about my feelings of being new and small in the world.  I came back and felt wonderful.  Ready to be wherever I was and pour myself into a “new norm.” Ready to balance.  Ready to enjoy.  Ready to engage -with home and family, with friends, with choirs, with my creative work.  ENGAGE!

I had less than a week of that and was just warming up to it all…then…sick.  Really sick!  Flu turned into respiratory infection that put me totally out of commission for more than two weeks now.  At first, I just accepted it.  Had no choice physically – it was very clear that I wasn’t going to be able to do anything.  I just made back-up arrangements for the choirs and cancelled everything else.  Nicole caught it a few days after me and, for the first weekend at home, we had this odd mix of being miserably sick and really enjoying being down and out together.  Then came the second week – also clear that I had to keep canceling everything.  But now I started to turn in on myself and fight to keep my “life is good” perspective that I’ve spent so much time uncovering!

I’ve been struggling with a concept that I have only been able to grasp a couple of times.  As I’ve been out sick – and, in part, even as I’ve gone through these many months of not being the physical being that I am used to – I have had to reconcile with not being capable.  Sometimes, that translates to me that what has made me “special” recently is the struggle that I am going through.  It used to be, I believed, that what made me special was my energy and my ability.  One is all negative and the other all positive.  Those cursed black and whites.

In the last two weeks, I have been ably replaced at my jobs and yet reassured that I was missed and deeply cared for.  Special AND replaceable.

Over the last 18 months, I have learned in HUGE ways both how loved and treasured I am AND how fallible and imperfect I am.  And how this is an utterly normal experience.  Even normal in its abnormalcy.  People everywhere have challenges and complications.  People make mistakes.  People have unexplained things happen to their bodies.  People have ups and downs.  Good moments and regrettable moments.  And people do extraordinary things.  Things that have impact and touch others.  And there are billions of us.  Here and now, not to mention all that have gone before and all that come after.

I go back to the philosophical concept of wonderment.  Getting that overwhelming perspective on reality – how amazing it is and each of us in it.  How small and fleeting each moment is and, indeed, our whole lives.  We and our actions are just specks of dust.  (That’s the “nothing” way to look at it.) And each speck is also incredibly unique, impactful, capable of meaningful and hugely worthwhile lives.

It seems to me, right now, that I used to live an “everything” life.  A golden child.  So confident.  I could make good with everything I set my mind to and, as I’ve mentioned, if I couldn’t, then I didn’t set my mind to it and it just slipped out of sight.  I really never felt that I lived arrogantly, but it sure seems that way in hindsight.  Maybe the better descriptor is ignorantly.  We don’t know what we don’t know until we know what we didn’t know. right?  I’m pretty sure the common term for that is “growing up.”

Now…in my new reality…I think that embracing the middle is the most genuine way to live.  Following strengths AND acknowledging weaknesses.  Having highs AND lows, special days and normal days.  But for me to reach this middle, I’m first experiencing a sense of loss from the feeling that everything is special and I have it all figured out.  It’s a loss of confidence.  As I’ve been flailing about, and, intensely in these two weeks of isolation, as I’ve been even more incapable – I’ve been desperate for that sense of leading a special life.  Having each interaction with every person be extraordinary and meaningful.  Unwilling to accept everyday, “normal” moments, let alone sick moment!  When those normal days are happening (and, as I’m sure you all know better than me – they happen with GREAT frequency!!), they have fed my feeling of loss and depression.

Where I want to get to – what my blog about expecting reality was trying to crack into – is that living in the middle allows for normal and special to coexist.  Low moments help us treasure the highs.  Normal moments are both places to settle and places to feel grateful for the normal that I have to settle into.  Not moments to chafe against.  Moments to relax into and breathe easy.  I have been filling them with worry and trying.  Even this crazy “trying to relax!”

Living an “everything” life is exhausting.  It’s unrealistic and, eventually, it would sap the life right out of me!  It’s also something that I think we humans try to do when we are younger.  Living a “nothing” life is a rabbit hole that we can create for ourselves.  It’s only true if we live our lives as though they, and us, are meaningless and small.  Between everything and nothing.  Well, that’s real life – for everyone!  Seeing that, embracing it and really, consciously living it – that’s the trick.  That’s where all the meaning lies.

I’ve been on a kick of real-life movies lately.  And, not surprisingly, quite cynical and uninterested in fantasy stories and games.  Movies where you see the decisions and the people and the moments and how they come together in each unique situation – far more fascinating than fiction!  “Lincoln” is a great example.  Seeing the real man behind the speeches.  And I just finished watching “A Late Quartet” – which I bawled at in the end.  “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,”  “Milk,”  “The Pursuit of Happyness” – stories of real people and how they navigate the ups and downs of real lives.  All of a sudden, these are the stories that I want to watch.  And this is the story that I want to live.

Once again, though, I have to peel back more layers to get there.  Get more perspective.  Make more adjustments.  Perhaps I should consider that this is also commonly known as “growing” and it’s something that I should consider as normal life?  Maybe when we stop adjusting, that’s when life ends?  Hmm….I’ll have to think about that.  I’m sure it’s not as exhausting as it sounds right now!