Today, before it got too stinkin’ hot, I got the dogs together and went out on a walk.  Both of them nosing around and pulling this way and that, taking a usual path for us through the neighborhood woods and trails.

I’ve been wrestling with the concept of “normal” in a lot of ways and this walk was no different.  In some ways, it was “back to normal” – moving at a normal pace, walking for a normal length of time, the usual dog shenanigans.  And, of course, in many other ways it wasn’t normal at all.  I haven’t walked the dogs on my own since surgery.  Moving at a “normal pace” was a first, but it felt fine so I went with it…being aware of every moment and every move to keep two leashes untangled and keep me in control, not them!

I’ve been talking and thinking about how I’ll be ready to “jump back in” to my “normal life” and how this body will “become normal” to me and how this past many months of intensity will somehow settle into a normal life again.  And I think that today, I’ve come to a good conclusion that I’d much rather explore.

“Bullshit.”  That’s my conclusion.

I think that the whole concept of normal is bullshit.

I do understand the draw of it – the comfort of routine schedules and known surroundings, the feeling of fitting in with the world, having things that are predictable and easy.  Why do we try to force those into a norm?  Aren’t we also surrounded every day by new things, ideas and people that cross our path?  Aren’t we (hopefully) growing and learning and changing – even if in little ways on most days?  Don’t we struggle with fears of complacency, taking things for granted and getting stuck?  Why would we want a norm when it would dull out the first two lists of things and make the last more likely?  Why would we want for a day to pass “without incident” or to lose sight of the wonder of an ever-changing reality?

I don’t even want to go into some of the “normal” statistics about our society…I found out this year that, apparently, it’s “normal” for women to have a crisis at age 40.  It’s normal for marriages (and careers) to go through crisis at the 7 year mark.  It’s even now normal for couples to divorce.    And let’s not send me into a research frenzy about other things that I suspect may be normal – Ritalin for children, education levels…oh, let’s just stop.

I know I’m on the high brow here, but really.  I feel that my life – especially given all that’s happened this year, has been yanked out of normal and I find that, in many ways, I’d like it to stay there.  Of course I don’t mean that I’d like to keep high, hard emotion all around me…but I *would* like to keep my emotions around me (as opposed to shoved away from me) and I *would* like to have a mindful sense of living with them in the present.  I’d like to have a renewed sense of my body and my journey with it every day and not let that settle into something less appreciative.  I’d like to look at my partner every day and have a fresh sense of why we’re together and all that we want to do.

I’m pretty positive that I’ll have my “normal hodgepodge” of a schedule come the fall.  (See, now, how can normal and hodgepodge even go together in the first place!!!)  But if I think of it that way, it could easily be stressful.  I’d much rather choose that hodgepodge – on a daily basis! – and then also plan to revel in both what it gives me and in the spaces in between – no matter if they are spent doing everyday things or unique things.  And, as my friend Tim wisely said, who says I have to “jump in” anyway.  Can’t I just walk in from where I am?

I’d like to keep this sense of calm/relax that I’m beginning to have at my core and look through that lens when a day gets crazy or when I borrow trouble.  I don’t mean this in a rose-colored-glasses kind of way.  It’s just about recognizing the fluidity of life and people.  Fluid is moving.  Norm (in my mind) is rigid.  If I can embrace the ups and downs, the fast and slow, the *process* and course of life…wouldn’t I flow better with it and wouldn’t I enjoy it more, or at least get stuck less often?

In the bigger picture, I have never aspired to be normal.  I used to mean that in a creative way.  I also now think that I may have meant it in an elusive way (part of the weight demon) and maybe even an elitist way (part of my success/failure demon).  But now, I just mean it in an everyday way.  Every day, any day would be less if it’s consigned to a “normal day.”