Both physically and metaphysically!!  YAY!  This is very good news!  Let me ‘splain:

PHYSICALLY

I’ve known I’ve was a mess for over a year now but, according to my many doctor visits, I was CRAZY.  “Nope!  All the numbers say that you are the healthiest you’ve ever been and couldn’t be medically healthier!   When you’re feeling shaky or woozy – you should just buck up and barrel through!”  Really?  There have been times this year when I have been on the floor because I can’t stand up and times that I couldn’t put two thoughts together if my life depended on it.  My energy that has been nearly boundless even at 320 lbs has left me for a lump of jello in the space of 5 minutes.  And, by the way, for most of my life I have been the poster child of buck-up-and-barrel-through.  I know how to do that.  I COULDN’T DO THAT.  Now, it’s true that I also have some crazy going on…we’ll save that for the next section on the metaphysical…and it’s true that stress can play a huge hand in physical distress, but I have known for a long time now that there is more to the picture.  Back in January and February, I was actively begging for them to find a tumor or SOMETHING that we could work with.

Last Tuesday, I went to the Roselle Center for Healing seeking a more holistic approach to nutrition.  Seeking for someone to say those three little words that are so important…”in your circumstance.”  That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a magic pill or to avoid the pillars of science and nutrition…just simply for someone to look at MY history and MY symptoms and MY circumstances and help me find approaches to food and health that fit what I need.  I have been steeped in nutrition and weight loss for 25 years.  I can plug my own numbers into the cookie cutter database and have it spit out how many calories I need in a day.  That tells me NOTHING about how my body reacts to carbs vs. protein when I hit a low, how my gastric bypass totally F’s up my absorption of nutrients, how…you know what?  I think I need a separate blog for this rant…

ANYWAY, from the start, the Roselle Center was different. Cue #1 – on their intake form, they have a question that asks, “what do you think is wrong?”  I took in a 4-page document that I’d put together a couple months ago that I thought would help a nutritionist meet me where I am.  A summary of my weight gain and loss, an overview of my last year of symptoms, a summary of my current activity level and approach to food, a list of specific questions.  Oh yes, and my legal-size-paper spreadsheet of my bloodwork vitals going back to 1989.  The last nutritionist said “oh, thank you” when I handed this to her and put it behind her.  Sue Roselle said, “this is perfect!” and dove in – quickly and efficiently going through and pulling out the information that she needed…which, not coincidentally, were exactly the pieces that I thought were the most important!  She hacked and slashed through my bloodwork results pulling out indicators of concern that no one has ever mentioned.  Phrases like this one were typical…”Yes, this [insert nutrient name here] value is technically in the normal range, though it’s lower than I’d like to see it…but in your circumstances it’s alarmingly low and it indicates that nutrients related to it are likely deficient.”  And that was just considering the gastric bypass.  She went through the factors…a gastric bypass surgery, a highly restrictive Medifast diet (to lose the last 50 lbs), a major reconstructive surgery that I’m just really in phase 2 of the recovery and that requires different nutrition, a solid year of high emotional stress, the fact that I am peri-menopausal and a few more.  Any one of these, she said, would be cause for concern given my numbers, and I have layered them on like a club sandwich and it’s no damn wonder that I haven’t felt good for a year!!

So…she concluded…I’m definitely a mess.  Pretty much a body in nutritional crisis.  BUT, we have all the tools we need and all of it can be turned around!  THIS.  THIS I CAN WORK WITH!!!!

By the way…Nelson goes in tomorrow for his initial work over (and me for a follow up).  She is going to have a HAY DAY with him!  Between his food allergies (to all but 4 foods in the WHOLE WORLD) and the hormone replacement therapy.  HAY.  DAY.  And when she learns that a MTF transitions is also part of what we’re going through along with everything else – not to mention that he lost his job the day after I saw her last week – she is going to give me a look that says, “You are a mess.”  And I am going to look back with “I KNOW!!!!!!!”

METAPHYSICALLY

Also a mess.  As you know, really.  But the more I see it, sometimes, the more I realize that railing against it only makes me more of a mess. If I can say things to myself like, “okay, so you are [insert emotion here].  That’s okay.” Or if I can recognize that the 15-year-old is on the scene and say, “what’s up, little girl?” rather than actually act out.  These reactions help the negativity pass through me and out.  But often (and very often lately) I do the first part of recognizing the emotion or the petulance and then I take that and get angry or scared or anxious that I’m feeling that way or acting in a way that I don’t want to act…and instantaneously double the anxiety.

Here’s the simple statement.  We are all a mess at times.  I’ve just spent my life up to this past year ignoring that.  And now, I’m paying that price.  I’m gathering up all the messy places of my teens, my twenties and I’m sure my thirties are in here somewhere – and I’m seeing them for the first time.  Yes, they need some attention and some processing, but really not so much sometimes!

Alex (my life-long friend) and I used to use the image of taking these gremlins out from behind us – where they were lurking and poking and generally mucking about – pulling them around in front and saying, “I see you.”  I used to picture telling them to sit in the corner in front of me where I could see what they were doing.  And that does work sometimes…it’s my metaphor for actively recognizing and processing something.  And, many gremlins just don’t like to be seen – so they go away or calm down just for doing this.  However, I need to add a step. SOME gremlins – either right when you pull them around front or once they’ve been in their corner for the appropriate amount of time – need to be shown the door.  Creating a play space for them – no matter how visible – invites them to get comfortable again.

Is this saying to buck up and barrel through?  Sort of.  But not because there is nothing wrong.  Not because I’m not a mess.  Because I AM a mess sometimes.  Life is messy.  And the only way out is through.  That is also something I can work with.