(from December 3rd)

The setting couldn’t be more perfect.  A rough campsite in a bowl of red and gold rocks – that we crossed a small creek to get to – somewhere in the northern part of the Grand Staircase – Escalante National Monument.  Woke before sunrise and walked around with the camera.  Nelson and the dogs are buried under blankets in the camper.  I’ve built a fire and am sitting as close to it as I can, Mac in my lap with full battery.

We’ve been so many places and seen so many beautiful rocks.  We’ve climbed all the
“stairs” of the Grand Staircase – from the Grand Canyon through the Vermillion Cliffs, Zion and Bryce.  Mostly in the car, but some out on foot – like a 6 mile hike today!

I’m not sure exactly what I’m out here to do.  But I’m beginning to think that a to-do list wasn’t the point.  (Really, how many times am I going to learn that lesson!?)  I know that I didn’t come out here to hide, yet I did want to breathe some different air for awhile.  I don’t want to disconnect from all that is going on – rather I want to get some perspective so that I can connect better with the things that are important.  And while I very well may leave pieces of things out here – sadness, anxiety, stress – I’m not looking to get all fixed up before I come back.  That’s not how life works, I’m realizing, and…more…not how I want it to work.  It’s more about how I live with all my pieces.  Those that get left here will simply be because it was time for them to go and there was breath and space to let them.  I don’t want a fresh start on life – I just want to keep living, moving and breathing with the life I have.  I generally like all my pieces and I’ve needed to come back around to that.

I did some Facebook check-ins as we started the trip and I want to do some more.  At first, I felt like I was supposed to turn the phone off for 3 weeks, and that is what everyone expected (and allowed!) as well.  But, I quickly felt that this was not what this trip is about.  It’s connecting differently – kind of on my own terms.  Not disconnecting.   I want this trip to be integral to my life right now.  Not an escape hatch.

So, I’m thinking that I’m out here to be out here.  To have this experience with my partner and our dogs and our car.  To be assaulted by nature over and over again – in the midst of every emotion.  Yesterday, we had a deep and sensitive conversation that kept being broken up by interjections about the horizon and the rocks and the dogs, but the focus was there to keep weaving through.

And all these rocks are my rocks.  A few that I laid on.  Countless ones that I gasped at.  They are all part of this rejuvenation and this rejuvenation is “just” a part of my life.