After my last blog (about coming home from the west), my mom commented, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, there’s my J-Bug!” – clearly relieved to recognize her eldest daughter in those words.  And, upon hearing that, Nicole (formerly known as Nelson…yes, we’re moving into the changing of names and pronouns) asked me what she thought was a simple question.  “Have you felt lost this year?”  The tears were instantaneous.  Um…YES.  My gosh, YES!!!  Is that not completely obvious to anyone within a half mile of me?  Apparently not. Probably due to the fact that I am immensely good on my feet.  <weak laugh>

There is no good nutshell for this – there are bits of everything in it…most of which finds its way into this blog somehow.  (Speaking of which, I’ve decided that I’m not going to spend the precious moments that I find to write a blog either trying to update every daily thing like a news report or apologize for how much time has passed since I last blogged.  I would like to do more.  We’ll see if that can happen.  Until then, you’ll have to go with the present topic!)

This feeling of lost is sometimes about the brain (what I know…err…knew….err…know about things and about myself); often emotional (how to swim in a MUCH bigger sea of emotion than I was in before); and then there is my body – what does it need?  who do I listen to?  what has happened to it along this journey?

When they all jump into the pool at once, it’s crazy-making.  It makes me feel like every single choice I’ve made in my life is called into question and whether where I am is where I want to be.  I’ve heard about this with people who lose a massive amount of weight – they kind of “bust out” into the life they think they could’ve had.  But the only time that I hear about that being a good thing is when they’ve had people truly putting them down and holding them back while they were heavy.  That’s not my situation.  Like I said WAY back when – they told me before my Gastric Bypass surgery that I would face so much negative from others and would have to stand up for my new-found positive.  I have experienced just the opposite…I have so much of my own negative and only positive from others coming at me.  It’s just silly.  But it’s not, because it’s real.

So, that’s lost.  And then there is found.  And these two things co-exist with each other…maddeningly.  Topic for another blog…I am NOT GOOD at living in the middle.  When I see where I want to go – I want to go there all at once.  My dear friend pointed out that really aren’t we all living in the middle all the time?  To which I cover my ears and holler “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA….NOT LISTENING!!!!!”  Totally adult response, don’t you think?

The found pieces are when I get a bit of perspective and I know (or I REMEMBER) that I truly believe in so many of the choices I have made in my life and that I have lived as openly and mindfully as I can.  Yes, while doing so, I did shove away things that I didn’t want to see, but that doesn’t mean that I was pretending at the rest, does it?  I do have the talents I have and a strong personality that is built on many things including how I “overcame” the things that I struggle with now.  Well, I’ve always struggled with them…I just know it now that the fight has come out into the open.

So, largely, I need to let myself wander between lost and found.  And then, of course, it’s immensely helpful to me to find myself in my reflection from others too.  Sometimes people are so clear about what kind of person I am…sometimes that is hugely comforting and sometimes I want to yell that I’m different now and don’t put me in the old boxes.

Does this mean that I’m living in the middle?  Well, yes.  (THBTT!!!)

And I’ll get my head around things in time – not complete conclusions…but further along in this process or that.  One thing to realize right now is that a rational response has sometimes been moved to the second thing that happens…after the emotional response.  This is new.  This is hard for me.  This is probably whiplash from a clamp-down on some levels of emotion for 20+ years.  This is probably a more human place – though I would like it to be just a little less of a roller coaster, at least more of the time.

Is this all just one more way of saying, “welcome to the human race, Jen!?” Maybe.  I don’t suppose we could have just thrown a housewarming party and called it done?  I could use a new blender.