So, I’ve gone and wung away again. Is that a phrase? Oh well, it is now! I’m writing this from the Moscow airport where I have a 5 hr layover before reaching Vienna (Austria!). I won’t be able to post this until after I arrive because I’m hoping my appearance will be a very big surprise to my folks who are there this week!

This is a combination of an opportunity that is uniquely given and seized! Yes, my calendar kind of suddenly cleared except for choral rehearsals that were not at a crucial phase. All but one of my medical procedures are done and the last (that I know of for now) scheduled for next week. Yes, I found a relatively decent price for the flight (thus the routing through Moscow with long layovers)!! My folks were going to be here and, when I made the decision, I hoped my oldest friend would be joining them for a few days as well. It was a convergence worthy of not letting pass me by!!

And then, as I thought about it, it also became something to seize for me. I have never done something like this — travel abroad or anywhere for a week by myself — that wasn’t related to business. I’ve always wanted to. I also haven’t been by or with myself for more than 24 hours in at least 2 years. Really! The more I thought about that, the more the idea and the need grew. I started looking up silent retreats and I realized that might be good and different thing to do, but it would also be a choice to isolate. And I don’t want to isolate right now. I DO want to stop my constant need for connection outside myself and I DO want to pause, reflect and process, but I’d like to feel part of the world as I do that. I haven’t felt like part of the world in a long while…present in MY world, yes, but not looking up from there.

I have felt the need to contextualize and even apologize for this trip decision. This has been such a time of change and the people around me have accommodated (and made possible!) so much of that change. It feels a little hare-brained to go off again…especially in such an exotic way. But, if I’m learning anything, I’m learning that change takes time…and the bigger the change, the more layers to work through. It seems silly to I feel that I’ve just now gotten to a place that is only about me. So much of this, from the beginning has been about me…my weight, my relationships, my approach, my demons. I think maybe that it’s finally down to how to take care of me, rather than be in a hob-knob with all my pieces. I had to go through a big gathering and assessment phase before I could get here.

And I have just caught glimpses of how to stand proudly on my feet again. To trust my instincts and love myself and my body. Glimpses, for sure…and sometimes not around at all! And what and how I love who I am is SO different than before. I feel very new. Very much at the beginning of this person and this phase, which is hard to believe after having been through so much already. I HAVE come to (well, through) Russia with love – lots and lots from those around me and with this little kernel of my own.

Have I mentioned that, for many months now, I’ve had this little shoving, stretching, screaming, mewling creature-coming-out-of-her-shell feeling? I feel like I’ve brought her, naked and in her half-shell, across the ocean with me. Is this incubation? Is it pilgrimage? Baptism? Sink or swim?

I think it’s most likely a combination of the first two. And, it’s my number one priority to lift my expectations and my pre-conceived notions about what that is “supposed” to be. I hope that it is something and that I come back with an experience that informs me. And helps me relax – or at least know better what that means to me. And adds to my perspective. And I’ll stop listing now.

First up – surprising my wonderful parents and hopefully recording the look on their faces!! Even if I spend the whole week in Vienna doing my own thing, that would be worth every cent!! And then…coffee houses here I come!!

Posted with Blogsy